loving him was easy
This whole part will be written in Risse’s Point of View. There will be a huge amount of time skips to give you guys a glimpse of their dynamics and backstories during 9th grade until their 3rd year in college. I hope you enjoy reading from his point of view. :)
CW // heavy profanities, smoking, cigarettes
@seoulicit
“Risse, you will be sitting beside Hendrico.”
When I entered 9th grade, my parents made the decision that I would permanently continue my studies in Manila. They are both lawyers, and it was troublesome for them to travel to the province every weekend just to be with me. They thought it would be better for me to be with them in Manila, where they could keep a closer eye on me.
Which I appreciate, by the way. They always talk about how they used to attend church every Sunday just to conceive me. I am lucky to have them as my parents; they provided me with everything I needed in life.
“May kagrupo ka na sa science? Lima raw kailangan do’n diba?” si Drix, ang inassign ng adviser namin na seatmate ko.
He’s a little shorter than me and quite loud. He seems to always have something to say. I called him Hendrico once, but he almost got mad at me. He prefers Hendrix or Drix. He even shared the story behind his name, which he inherited from his father.
“Wala pa,” I replied nonchalantly.
“Ayon! Sali ka samin. Kulang kami ng isa, e. Kapag may groupings ulit na pwedeng pumili, tayo tayo na lang din.”
The moment I met them, the first thought that crossed my mind was that I should have declined Drix's invitation. If Drix is a weird funny kid, the same goes for Feb. Their friend Cloud balances the chaotic energy they bring.
But what caught my attention the most was another one of their friends. He's also chaotic, but in a different way. My hunch was instantly proven right when I saw Drix about to pinch from Asi’s turon kaso nga lang, naunahan na siyang masuntok ni Asi.
"Hello! Risse, right?" Asi looked enthusiastic as he sat beside me. "Nag-take ka na ng break mo? May baon kang snacks o bumibili ka rin sa cafeteria?"
He had a lot of questions.
"Uh, I just don’t feel like eating now," I answered honestly. "Bumibili ako sa cafeteria pero mamaya na siguro."
I used my index finger to fix my eyeglasses, and I saw a glimpse of astonishment on his face as I did that. He immediately regained his composure and plastered a smile.
"Okay! Sabay ka na lang sa amin mamaya sa lunch pati sa second break."
That was our setup for the following weeks, which I'm really grateful for. I had friends in the province, but they weren't like them. They were very welcoming to me.
Asi was unusually friendly too. There were three of us transferees, but he treated only me like that. He would force Drix to switch seats so he could copy from me. I didn't mind because now I shared the same friend group with him.
In no time, I found a home with these five people.
"Your dad’s not picking you up?" si Cloud nang dumating na ang sundo niya. I looked at Asi. He looked bothered.
There were times when his dad took a while to pick him up, but this was the first time I saw this expression on him. He looked pained, and for some reason, it hurt me too.
"You’re going home alone?" tanong ko nang makaalis na ang sasakyan nila Cloud.
I asked a stupid question, I know. I just wanted to talk to him. He seemed upset. Frowning doesn’t suit an angel-looking like him.
"Hindi raw ako masusundo ni Papa. Nakakainis. Idadamay pa ako sa away nila ni Mama," he said, clearly annoyed.
I liked it when he opened up to me, when he was vulnerable, when he was willing to share his pain. But I liked it the most when I could do something to ease his burdens, even the ones he didn’t often talk about.
"Manong, ihatid po muna natin si Asi sa Filinvest," utos ko sa driver nang dumating na sa school.
I always made sure I pour affection to Asi, Cloud, Drix, and Feb in the same amount. For some unknown reason, I always seemed to give more when it comes to Asi. Na para bang guguho rin ang mundo ko tuwing gumuguho ang kaniya.
I couldn't bear seeing him like that because he deserved more.
“Gago. So totoo ngang break na kayo? Tangina, seryoso ba?”
“Stop cursing, Feb.”
“It’s not like I’m going to hell for this. Loosen up! Jeez.”
“I am loosening up! One curse at a time lang. Ang OA mo magmura,” si Cloud.
We were in 11th grade that time, they ganged up on me when they learned that I broke up with my first girlfriend. Well, I was supposed to tell them the news first. Hindi ko lang inaasahan na malalaman nila agad. Kung paano kumalat ang balita, hindi ko rin alam.
“Maybe Risse chickened out. Masyadong maganda si Grace tapos maraming pumoporma,” saad ni Drix. Akala niya ata lightbulb moment niya iyon.
“And you guys think that Risse is no better for her? Hello? Marami ring nagsusulat ng love letters diyan sa tropa natin ‘no!” Asi defended me. I immediately mouthed a ‘thank you’.
We were inseparable, causing headache for every teacher. However, things changed when we entered 11th grade. We were placed in different sections and pursued different strands.
Parehas kaming STEM student ni Asi at magkaklase. I have decided that I will be following my parents' footsteps and take BS Legal Management once I’m in college.
Kaya hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit STEM ang inilagay ko sa form noong enrollment imbis na HUMSS nang marinig na ayon ang kukunin ni Asi.
Second semester and I had another girlfriend. My friends would often compliment me and my taste. Crush na naman daw kasi nang marami ang girlfriend ko. While some students are in pain, most think that we fit each other well.
Matatapos na ang school year when I realized something. Asi doesn’t hang out with me as much as he does before. Nagsasama pa rin naman kaming lima pero kambal tuko kami niyan dati, hindi mapaghiwalay. Wherever he goes, I’m there too.
So what went wrong?
Dahil ba sa boyfriend niya?
I sighed.
I noticed Asi’s boyfriend, Yno Yoon, giving me death glares one time. Magkakasama kaming lima at ang aming kaniya kaniyang partner, but at that time, my second girlfriend and I already broke up.
Saglit akong tumingin sa boyfriend ni Asi. I raised my eyebrows.
Is he annoyed at me?
But shouldn’t it be the other way around?
Asi was giving Yno all of his time and attention. Wala nang naubos para sa akin na bestfriend niya at siya pa ang galit?
We entered 12th grade. Asi developed an unhealthy habit of smoking. I also noticed that he was failing some of our quizzes. Tinatamad na rin siya magpasa ng projects unless ako ang kasama niya. Kaya sinigurado ko na samahan siya kahit saan because it was a rough year for him and his parents.
“Can you pass me that?” I pointed the glue gun sticks beside him.
Nasa park kami no’n para gawin ang project naming miniature. I picked Asi as my partner even though our teacher assigned someone else for us. Pinilit ko pang makipagpalitan ng ¼ sa partner niya para isulat ang pangalan namin. If it’s not me, I know he won’t cooperate, and he will fail this subject.
He didn’t respond. Nakatulala lang siya habang pinaglalaruan ang kandila at posporo sa kamay niya. We didn’t have a glue gun so we had no choice but to make do out of it.
I examined him. From his eyes, nose, cheeks, and plumpy lips, until his arms, if there were possible bruises in it but there were none, luckily.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “Hiwalay na kayo ni Yno?”
Asi nodded, still showing no emotions.
Natulala ako. May dumaang saya sa puso ko ngunit agad ko rin iyong ininda. Celebrating their breakup for my own gain felt selfish, and I didn't want that.
“But that’s not why I look this troubled,” he continued. He passed me the glue gun sticks. “Hiwalay na si Mommy and Daddy, kaya hiniwalayan ko na rin siya. I don’t think love is real anyway, and I’m just wasting my time in it.”
Hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan ang proyekto namin. Pinakinggan ko na lang siya. Tinitigan. At sinubukang intindihin.
Back then, I didn't know how to properly comfort him, but I made sure to be there, listening to him. I'd visit their place, cook for Asi and his mother, and we'd wash the dishes together.
I stumbled upon him smoking in their garage. He seemed unfazed that I caught him as he continued in front of me.
My heart was hammering. I was breathing heavily, not because I am asthmatic, but because it pained me to see him like this.
Wala man lang akong magawa.
I stopped having girlfriends after we graduated. I wasn’t sure if it was because I empathized with Asi not having one, but I knew there was more to it. Could it be…
Imposible.
My mother once pointed out how kind and caring I was as a son. My friends said the same thing about our friendship too. I wasn’t a failure when it came to familial and platonic love.
However, I struggled in my previous romantic relationships, and I didn't know why. I wasn't afraid of commitment, I knew that. Marami akong inipon na pagmamahal sa puso ko; hindi ko lang alam kung paano, o kung kanino ibibigay.
2nd year college. I was studying for midterms when I received Asi’s message.
Yasiel Kwon: then kiniss niya ako sa cheeks and booked me a grab after that
Yasiel Kwon: AND I SWEAR
Yasiel Kwon: i almost lost my idgaf attitude for a moment there
My expression hardened at his last message. He lost his i-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude for a moment, really?
Asi would always come to me and claim he was numb. That he didn’t feel anything. Na wala siyang pake sa kahit sino, kahit ano lalo na sa larangan ng pag-ibig.
But I choose to believe otherwise.
He refuses to believe that love isn’t real but his mere presence proves its existence.
Even his own eyes are contradicting his claims. Ang mata niya hindi naman mapungay, pero laging kumikinang, naghahangad lagi ng mas higit pa. Kaya hindi ko nga matanggap why he always chooses to settle with such things.
He engaged in hook-up culture, not taking anyone seriously and later painting himself as the villain.
The corner of my lips twitched as I typed my reply.
Me: ayos pala sa mga insomniac makinig ng hoe phase mo eh ‘no
Me: nakakaantok
It sounded bitter and jealous, but I hoped he wouldn’t pick up on the tone I was using.
Tangina. Nagseselos ba ako?
Kung hindi, edi mas mabuti. Pero paano kung oo? Does that mean I’m in love with him?
I know him so well. I understand him. I have him carved in my heart and no one dared to touch it—I wouldn’t let anybody, for it’s him who owned it.
Then I realized why my parents showered me with so much love growing up. It made me stronger. It filled my heart. I had stored more than enough love, and now I chose to pour it out... basta kay Asi.
Without hesitations, it’s him that I chose to love. Loving him was easy despite the uncertainty that it would be reciprocated. Kaya nga hindi ko maatim every time someone talks ill of him. They don’t know him like how I know him anyway. He’s perfect, and I had him ingrained in my mind.
I never owned my heart. It had always been Asi’s since then.