Its You. Its Me. Its Us.

Posted by @Zanzibar89O

It was her fault. Her fault any of this happened at all. And maybe, it could have been changed. If she had noticed the signs. The signals. If God himself had taken her by the shoulders and fully throttled her. But the world nor God worked like that.
None of it was supposed to happen. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. The future wasn’t supposed to go off course but they didn’t plan this. But it did. Like a train derailing it crashed. Irrevocably. But instead of hearing the impact it was silent. Deadly.
She knew the implosion was closing in when she came home to an empty apartment. A single note on the bed with a ring beside it. She had been stupid to hope. To have that childish naivety that they would be spared. That both would be spared the collision that wiped out everything within miles. She hadn’t seen the storms on the horizon, hadn’t noticed the stillness of the wind. Refused to acknowledge the bated breath. Why act so surprised when it all crashes into her? Sound rushing in tenfold, the ringing in her ears an indication of the chaos descending. And it’s her fault. Because she lost focus.
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It's midnight according to the clock on the dashboard but she didn’t care. Time was an enemy now and she didn’t need it mocking her as she started up the car. She barely had time to throw on a jacket over her clothes and grabbing her keys she had earlier- tossed into a dish sitting on top of a table nearby the door. Everything had seemed normal minutes ago but now time is her number one enemy and it’s telling her it’s slipping through her fingers like sand.
She berated herself as she peeled out of the parking lot and turned onto the road that led to the highway that would take her to her next destination. All the signs had been there. The whole time. She should have seen it, felt it, tasted it, everything she prided herself on knowing beforehand had let her down. That she couldn’t see the consequences falling on top of her like confetti. She promised. She promised she would be the one to notice. That she would take all her years of watching for danger that she wouldn’t lead them straight to it. To keep them safe, to keep them both protected. To be that safe harbor. That despite it all- she wouldn’t fuck it up. Not this time, not like last time. They were doing this. Plans were made, a course charted. Hope cemented in that it would not be swept away by strong tides. That all of this was going to keep them afloat if they kept at it, together. They chose the end goal and chose to do it together. That’s what partners do. The ring on her finger was that hope cemented in. That promise made in the middle of the night years ago when the world was on fire and nothing seemed plausible anymore. When death had shown its face and made them notice how precious life itself is. She promised then and there. Without hesitation and without stumbling. Steadfast in that resolve and knowing it would be it. That despite all the horrors they would make it to the end. So why was she now speeding down the road in the middle of the night with her heart in her throat, feeling like the train was simply crashing headfirst?
This wasn’t the plan but then when was anything their plan? When did anything go right for them in the last four years? COVID covering the world with its ink stained hands and both of them losing their jobs within a few months. The insidious disease taking family members right in front of their eyes. Taking on odd jobs from home that barely covered the rent. Selling things when they could in hopes of maybe just maybe making the car payment. And having to sell one just to keep the lights on. The world coming to a standstill and the silence that followed it. Their families terrified for them because they lived in the city, and the fear of one of them dying to this invisible monster that was ripping their families apart. Scared of phone calls with devastating news, scared of the news stating no cure was found yet. The future no longer a safety net but something to fear because it’s no longer tangible. Every day living in that fear but at night in bed together they’d cling to each other. Because they had one another. When they finally made it to the other side with the rest of the world, they could stop gritting their teeth. But they held each other tightly still. Because when is anything permanent anymore? Call it sheer stubbornness but they refused to cave and bend a knee when an invisible monster was barreling down on them all. At the end they made it, together. And that’s what mattered the most. Knowing the person next to you could hold your hand and finding that steadiness in their grip.

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Gritting her teeth she hit the gas pedal to bypass the slower cars determined to go slow in the wrong lane and glanced at her dashboard again. It would take over an hour to reach her destination. And with a streak of lightning crossing the night sky she knew it would take longer. She hated driving in the rain, especially when it’s stormy. Ignoring the blare of horns behind her she kept her eyes pinned on the vehicles in front of her and started to ever so slightly slower, begin to change lanes. The ring she put on her console scraped across its surface as she kept changing lanes to get closer to the exit she knew she would have to be taking soon. Despite the rain now starting to pick up as she continued on she didn’t want to stop. If she stopped now, there was no continuing forward. Everything she had worked on, had pushed forward on, would be lost. It would mean nothing and she won’t let that happen. Storms be damned. Seeing the exit coming up on her right she turned on her blinker and slowed her speed more. All of it be damned, she won’t stop now.
Ten minutes later she was off the major freeway and on the road that led to the next county over. It would be here she wouldn’t see anything other than the road in front of her and the few cars going by her. Now as she got further away from the city, the first bigger raindrops started to hit her windshield and she cringed internally. While she couldn’t hear the thunder in the car she could still see the bright and terrifying lightning as it danced across the sky. Gripping the steering wheel tighter, she tried to will herself to relax. Driving this tense will only end up with her making mistakes and she had to focus. But it’s hard to focus when your stomach feels like it’s being shred to pieces by something. No, not something. A person. That one person that managed to strip her of all her barriers and leave her completely vulnerable.
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The first time they had met had been at a wedding. Cliché, looking back at it now. But back then the world made a little more sense. Things had felt more aligned rather than split apart. Her cousin had been the one to introduce them. Having caught each other’s eyes early in the night, both hadn’t found the courage to make the first move. But strangely, her cousin had grabbed her by her arm and dragged her unceremoniously over to the woman. And by mere sight alone, the night seemed a little less dull. Both of their dates had already drifted off elsewhere so when they had met it took her cousin to get them both to say more than a few words to each other. Then suddenly, like fire catching, they hit it off. It had been her eyes and her un-orthodox dress that left her breathless. And for the first time in so long, she ached to know more than simply a name. Her clothing clung to her body just perfectly. Like it was designed to hang off her in the right places. She couldn’t outshine the bride but her look alone could make heads turn. And her eyes highlighted by striking makeup, did little to quell her curiosity. Nothing about her screamed mundane. But despite her alluring look, her easy smile and calm demeanor it was harder still to pierce through the beautiful strangers shield. By the time she thought to ask something worthy of a conversation, the woman had easily excused herself and disappeared into the night with her date. Watching her leave with the man at her side left a small twist in her gut. And she didn’t know why. She didn’t know why she suddenly cared about a woman with dark eyes, hair that looked beautiful in a messy bun and a name that she could barely let past her lips. The evening had suddenly lost its luster.

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Loud horns sounded again and she jerked out of her memories. Seeing she was veering off to the left she jerked the steering wheel and let the car behind her speed on by. The rain was coming down in torrents now and her speed had slowed considerably. If she had her wife’s courage she’d push the speedometer up but given her knuckles were white from how much she was gripping the wheel, she figured she was better off going at the speed she was. No matter. It was still a painstakingly forty five minute drive. She wasn’t getting off the road anytime soon. The road she was on would lead to a small town that had train tracks on the outskirts of it. Once she was on the other side of the tracks and on a narrower road, she would be much closer to her destination.

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Their first date had been a disaster. Not only were they both clearly nervous, they had no idea what they were doing. Being so use to other people as buffers, it made the conversation harder. Much harder than it should have been. But they tried. Through awkward stuttering, tense pauses; they tried. She never tried so hard in her life to dismantle a ( ) from that wall she was up against. By the time dinner was over she was so sure the entire thing was over before it even started. But her date was full of surprises. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d be taken by surprise. And it wouldn’t be the last. She had asked for another try. It was the first time she ever left a date wondering if the projection of her life was truly going to change. Getting into that car that night was the hardest thing she ever did. For fear she’d never see this woman who had enraptured her by mere presence alone. It would take three months for them to finally find steady conversation, and another 3 to finally kiss. When they had, she knew then she was never going to leave in that car feeling worried she was making a mistake.

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Thirty minutes into the drive she belatedly realized she was low on gas. All her recent traveling, she hadn’t had time to fill up again or remotely considered doing it as she headed home. Her mind had solely been on getting home to relax. To face what she feared was headed straight for her.
Cursing to herself for her lack of forethought, she spotted a gas station that was to her right. It wasn’t much but given there was hardly much else on this specific road, she couldn’t choose to be picky. Slowing her speed she pulled into the parking lot and saw an open bay. Killing the engine, she got out and avoided the gaze of random late drivers that also found themselves at this gas station. She could feel their eyes raking over her body but she gritted her teeth and quickly used her card so she could pay and start putting the gas in her car.
Once she had the gas cap open and the ( ) inserted she felt a little less tense. Angling her head slightly she glanced at the people that were also out this late at night. Three men and two women. Two of the men were busy drinking whatever late night energy fuel they managed to find inside and the other one was standing idly next to his truck. Pinned to his chest was a name badge. Lawrence. The women looked exhausted and barely looked at anyone. A habit instilled from too many men thinking attempting to be friendly in places like this. The sound of rain had lessened considerably but it continued on steadily. “Fun night to be out driving”, the man with the name badge said. Surprised by the sudden words, she looked over at him. He gestured at the rain. “Wasn’t expecting this in my travel plan.” The pump finished and she pulled the nozzle out. “Oh?” She tried to sound friendly but it came out sounding strained. “Yeah, long drive towards home. Wife doesn’t like it when it rains and I’m out in it.” Humming she hung up the nozzle and closed her gas cap. “I’m sure you’ll make it home before it picks up again.” The man too finished filling up and she could hear him rummaging around on his side. “Hope so. Anniversary is tomorrow. So I’d like to make it before she’s awake.” She internally sighed at being caught by meager chatter but she quickly slipped a smile on her face. “Happy anniversary then. I hope you’re able to make it.” The man wiped his hands on his overalls and tossed his cup of coffee in the trash can that was nearby. “Thank you. Twenty years. Can’t believe it honestly.” Now, she looked at him more directly and she saw it in his face. It was brief before the cool demeanor slid back on. Contentment. “That’s…a long time,” she stated. The man pulled open his door and looked at her. His eyes held her’s for a brief moment and she wondered distantly what he saw. “Couldn’t be happier. Safe travels ma’am.” She barely registered the statement before he’s closing the door and starting his truck up. The loud engine drowned out the steady hum of rain and before she could stop herself, she waved at him. The man’s eyebrows raised a fraction, before he’s nodding at her and then she watches as he slowly pulls out of the bay and into the wet night. She felt a small pang in her chest as she continued to watch him drive away. To have that solid belief his wife will be eagerly awaiting his presence at home. Twenty years together. A life time. A promise fulfilled. He didn’t question, have to guess, there was no tidal wave headed for him. Goodbye, she thought.
Jerking her gaze away from the receding taillights she pulled open her car door and got in. The other drivers were still in various states of cleaning out their vehicles or waiting for the rain to slow even more. None watched her as she started her vehicle and pulled out into the rain. Twenty more minutes to go.

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By the time they were ready for the next step it had been a year and a half later. A year and a half of talking. Of learning how to talk. Learning each other’s language and failing at every turn. But it was worth it. She was worth it. It was worth seeing her laugh, seeing her smile. Hearing her when they argued but even with her voice raised her eyes heated- there was no fear. No fear of it ending. Of not being allowed to speak her piece too. It was give and take. A back and forth that they learned to do. It wasn’t easy. But relationships were never easy as they seem. But for all their fights, which was a lot, she wouldn’t have changed it for anything. They wanted to be the ones that made it. Fuck the stars, fuck fate, what did they know?
They moved into an apartment that was split distant wise between both their families. Having four siblings on one side and three on another side meant duties couldn’t be shirked and promises couldn’t be dropped. They made it work. Going between houses, meeting up at various restaurants scattered between homes. Their apartment becoming the 3rd or 4th place to be the meetup place. The welcome mat by their door showing the wear and tear of many feet on it. But the apartment started feeling more like a home with the amount of family members within it. The sounds of family echoing in their ears and down their hallways and it starting to feel like it was slowly coming together. Pieces that didn’t once fit, starting to find their places. A picture. Hope. Maybe after all there was a shot at this thing called “happily ever after.” Distantly, she wondered when she had stopped holding her breath and started looking forward instead of backwards into her past. That finally, she could keep a promise to the one she cherished the most.

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“Asshole!” She shouted as a car abruptly cut in front of her without warning. The road was wide enough but with the rain picking up again; it made the white lines on the road harder to see. This jackass had been on her tail not long after she left the gas station and kept annoyingly, using their horn every few minutes. It’s midnight- bordering on 1:30 AM at this point. Who else is in a hurry at this hour? What possesses them to be in such a fit at this hour, during this kind of weather at the dead of night? Surely the sky wasn’t falling on them as well? “Doesn’t matter,” she muttered to herself. Frustrated, she ran a hand through her hair and then gripped the steering wheel. She should have grabbed a coffee. The next part of this drive was obscenely boring and the adrenalin was starting to wear off. If she was going to make it in this weather at this hour, coffee would have been something to consider. The end goal was no closer and something with caffeine would have helped her cross that finish line. Instead, she got distracted by a 20 year married man in overalls and wondered if her life would be anything like his at some point. Something slower and something obtainable. A foundation to lean on and feel supported by. Solid amongst all the chaos that life tends to throw at you at a moment’s notice. Instead of teetering on the brink of destruction, by her hand nonetheless all because she lost sight of what was actually important. What was truly important.

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When the world started to slowly recover- when the mere idea of existence stopped feeling like it was on the verge of collapse- they’d been together nearly two and a half years. It hadn’t been easy. COVID had taken the foundation they’d slowly been building with each other and broke it all down again. All the fighting, the never ending tears, grief, fear, living every day scared of what was to come. What would happen to the world as it continued to barrel towards a future that held no certainty in it? But for every sharp word, every cut, every tear and worn down bitten nails- there was hope. Strength. A connection they forged. And didn’t want to let go of. Somehow, it shaped them into something else. Something they hadn’t experienced before and how terrifyingly beautiful it was. Coming out of that experience with the only person who saw her at her worst. Who never stopped reaching for her hand when nights felt impermanent. Laced with emotions that maybe their time wasn’t now. That life was hurtling them towards impeding doom. But the sun rose the next day and she knew then that they made it to the other side. They never lost what they were building together.
To have her partner by her side. Stubborn, loud, a need to always be doing something with her hands. To be there for everyone, even when she was exhausted and scared too. You couldn’t ask for someone better. Someone to know you so well that with mere words alone she could guide you home out of the murky depths of paralyzing fear. COVID made each day inside that apartment more precious than jewels and she didn’t dare mention how much she clung to those moments like a lifeline.
It wasn’t until months later she realized she wanted to be that harbor, that safe haven for them both. The house that couldn’t be moved. And what better way to preserve that hope, that peace they managed to find in each other than with a silver ring?
It wasn’t done rashly. Or out of fear. But simply done out of the sheer belief that it was something right. Something meant to be written in ink on a single piece of paper. That after everything, they were no longer separate, but united.
Asking had been nerve wracking to say the least. Unimaginable when the moment itself was unfolding in front of her. Staring into her partners eyes, praying she saw what she felt reflecting back at her. Aching to know if she thought the same thing about them together. That she too had gently cultivated it and nourished it along the way. That it had taken root and grown into something bigger than both of them and needed to not be hidden anymore. Feelings that could no longer be simplified or over-exaggerated but merely stated with truth and honesty with no fear attached. When she said yes, it felt like heaven and earth had moved. Finally, all that shared heart ache and fear- trials they faced together- had reached it’s conclusion. Kissing her in their living room that night felt like she arrived where she needed to be. No more searching or second guessing. She finally found her home.

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Twenty minutes later she came to the familiar fork in the road and slowed to a crawl. Staring out her ( ) she could make out the silhouette of the street sign but could hardly read the white letters due to the steady rain falling. Not that it mattered. She knew this road by heart. This place was familiar enough that not even the rain could get her lost. She knew where she was headed. But even still, the tickle of self-doubt reared its head and she couldn’t help but pause. For a split second, she hesitated. Anxiously, she twisted her ring and felt her heart start to beat a little faster. She gotten this far, hasn’t she? Miles of road crossed under the cover of darkness and rain. A man smiling to himself as he prepared for his last leg home. Iciness coating her insides as she got closer to her destination. All of this meaning something more as the night continued on. Surely, she could continue forward. Keep heading towards a future that was full of uncertainties and risks involved. A future she carved out with the one person who dared to take this life long commitment with her. A hand- to guide and hold when everything got too dark. Too much. How hard could it be to continue forward? To stop now means giving up everything in the face of cowardice. It meant giving up a life she knew she wanted. A life she dreamed of for so many years. So why did her throat feel like closing up?

The lying had started a little over a year ago. At first it had been non-sequential things. Small things that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. But still, lies that left a bad aftertaste. A lie here, one there. Smiles that would drop once out of the presence of the other. Hands that no longer sought out comfort in the dead of night. Rebuffs and more rebuffs. She didn’t know why she kept doing it. When lying in bed together she couldn’t stop the lies spilling from her lips. Poisoning the very space she so desperately fought to keep safe. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. Can’t you see? Everything is fine because its what everyone wants to hear. Nothings changed. It’s all the same. But kisses lose their tenderness. Hands that use to meet without having to look, now meet air. The lies started a year ago but the lies she told herself started decades before. An unwanted visitor that crept into the very house that held peace within it. Seeping into the walls and smothering the laughter that echoed down the hallway. Lies that started to cause harm instead of offering solace. It sunk into the very space she so desperately tried to spare and soon the apartment felt less like a home. But how could she explain? How could she explain she was the one that brought it in?

Hands trembling, she turned the steering wheel to the left and started driving. The rain had slowed considerably like it was offering her one final wish granted. A few more miles and she’d be arriving at her sister-in-law’s house. A gorgeous two story with an acre of land. The pride and joy her sister-in-law proudly proclaimed came with an acre of land attached. Having bought it to escape the ever growing chaotic city, they decided a steadier life was better for them and their children. When the news had been broken to the rest of the family, a lot of arguments were brought up. Too far, too disconnected from everyone and everything. But she saw the look in her sister-in-law’s eyes. The worries were cast aside, they weren’t changing their minds. The decision was made and the house bought. A quiet ending for the eldest daughter moving away from her close knit family. The rest of the family accepted it, with time. Now it was the house to drive to for holidays and large family gatherings.
As she approached she couldn’t help but feel that the house felt less welcoming. Like it was waiting on her to show up. Waiting to tell her she was not invited into its interiors again.
Lightning streaked across the sky as she reached the driveway and slowly pulled in. Against the pitch black sky, the house looked so foreboding. The only source of light came from a single window which was the location of the living room. Wonderful, so they knew she would come.
Finally, at around 2 A.M she parked her car and stared at the house sitting in front of her. She reached her destination. Her hands felt clammy as she let them drop into her lap and she couldn’t stop her heart from beating faster as she kept staring ahead. Adrenalin had finally left her and she felt the exhaustion creeping in. What must they all think of her now?
The pitter patter of the rain on her windshield did little to calm her nerves. Stomach churning with trepidation she unclicked her seat belt and opened her door. Light raindrops hit her pant legs but she hardly noticed. Her eyes were trained on the light shining from the single window and she glanced at the front door. This was it.
A few minutes later she found herself standing in front of it and she could hear her heartbeat in her ears. Standing here in front of the door was an unnerving experience. But worse was the fear crawling up her throat as the door silently opened. Standing in pink pajamas and eyes hard as flint stood her sister-in-law. A beat passed. “Camilla,” she said hoarsely, internally cringing at how it came out. “She said you’d show up.” The flat tone rang in her ears and she knew she wasn’t going to be getting any further tonight. “I-“
“But at this ungodly hour?”
“I can-“ She tried again.
“I have kids, Bela.” Camilla’s words were like ice down her back and Bela felt her throat restricting again.
“I can explain-“
“This isn’t okay.”
“I know.”
“She doesn’t want to see you right now.”
“Please”, she pleaded. She felt tears stinging the back of her eyes. “I had to come. I had to.”
“You show up at my house at 2 in the morning, expecting to start something with my sister?” Camilla’s eyes narrowed and Bela felt her words die on her tongue. “I’ve never seen my sister like that. Ever. You’re lucky I even opened the door.”
“You’d have every right not to,” Bela said quietly and pushed back the tears she felt gathering. Camilla’s eyes did not lose their iciness but she leaned heavily against the door frame. “What made you think I’d let you anywhere near her tonight?”
“I didn’t,” Bela mumbled. “I saw her letter, and her ring. I didn't think.”
Camilla sighed and ran a hand across her face. “I’m not doing this with you. Not now, not at 2 AM. I’m not letting you disturb her peace tonight. You cannot stay here."
"I'm not leaving," Bela said feeling her exhaustion ten fold. Camilla scoffed and stood upright again. "Right, it's all about you. And what you want. Never mind the rest of us. Never mind the time or anything else."
"Camilla, I won't ask to be let in but I am not leaving her."
"Then don't," Camilla snapped. "But you're not setting a single foot in this house. I won't have whatever bullshit you're bringing at this late hour after she showed up looking like that. I don't care where you go but you're not doing anything else this evening. Someone has to stop you at some point."
Bela felt her shoulders sag and her legs ached for sitting too long but she knew she reached her sister-in-law's limit. If she kept pushing she knew she'd never get another chance.
"I'll sleep in my car." Camilla clicked her tongue at her but didn't move away from the door. "You do that. If you break into this house I won't hesitate in throwing you off my property." Without another word she stepped back and forcefully closed the door.
The sound of the door slamming reverberated through Bela's skull and she numbly stood there for a second. Like she was glued to the spot and told not to move. But she had to. She could feel the stiffness in her body but also, she felt a pain she couldn’t describe start to creep up into her chest. There was no going anywhere else this evening. Sleeping in the car it was.

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They had fights before. Like all couples it was inevitable. Before they were engaged, Bela had asked her partner if she thought it was too soon. Too soon to be this committed; to be this stead-fast. Naturally that brought up the concern of cold feet. Was it too much, too fast, did they not consider all options before throwing in like they had? Looking into apartments together, wanting to connect their families. Cousins and nieces being met and parents slowly being acquainted over dinners and awkward table conversations. Would regrets pop up unexpectedly in all this? Bela hadn’t meant to worry her partner. She didn’t mean to imply her partner was too much that all of it was too much. That she was starting to regret everything that they were starting to share and grow between each other. It was the opposite actually. She knew when she first laid eyes on this woman that she would not be able to walk away from her. Not that she wanted to anyway. In her mind, they felt destined to meet. That everything they went through and experienced had finally led them to this one moment in their life to officially cross paths. Bela felt that and believed it. But she wondered if her partner felt the same way. If her partner held a similar thought. That she too felt that immediate connection that automatic pull. It didn’t matter if she hadn’t but Bela couldn’t help but wonder.
Unfortunately, with her questioning it went side-ways. One moment they’re holding each other in bed and the next she’s waking up to cold sheets and finding notes on the counter mentioning where the other had gone for the day. She knew then she made a mistake. A misstep. So how does one convince the other it wasn’t what she meant? Without wanting to raise alarms, she decided on a plan. Her partner wasn’t one for big gestures but she loved gestures nonetheless. Bela saw it in her eyes every time she did something surprising and did something that reminded both of them what was being slowly nurtured in their home. Love. Patience. Acceptance. Acknowledgement.
So, she started to come up with ideas that expressed these things alone. Actions only meant for her. So her partner wouldn’t come away questioning them anymore.

It wasn’t easy to pull off. She had to think outside the box for a few and others she knew she had to time just right so as not for it to come across as something obligatory or hurried. That it took time to put together and that she had gone lengths to do so. Bela wasn’t asking for pats on the back or acknowledgement of these actions she wanted to show her partner what she truly meant without her second guessing anymore. It took weeks of planning and preparing. Subtle changes to scheduling so Bela wouldn’t be found out ahead of time and more importantly, so her partner wouldn’t be any more suspicious than she was.
She put in the effort because she wanted to. She had to. More than anything she did not want her partner to lose hope. Bela was that safe harbor and she had to do what she can to protect that. To protect them. She wanted to see her partner’s eyes light up again. Not be guarded and expecting the worst. That wasn’t something Bela wanted. She wanted her partner whole and in front of her. And she’d do anything to keep it that way.
Who could have told her a few years later she’d be on the precipice of losing the one she fought so hard for? That everything they had built was falling around her ears and the only one to blame for that was Bela herself. Suddenly this one action felt less honest. And how horrifying to realize that so late.

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Waking up in the car when dawn first broke, Bela dreaded what it would bring her. Falling asleep in the car was not her first choice, not by a long shot. But the nearest hotel was 10 miles away and given her nerves were completely shot due to the weather she knew she was in no condition to drive anymore. She finally crashed around 3 AM and her dreams had been nothing but endless nightmares about her partner. Seeing hate in her eyes, seeing divorce papers being slid across the table, seeing family members walk away from her. Hearing her partner is engaged to a man she never heard of. Forced to see her in a gorgeous white dress and shining so brightly it hurt to look at the joy on her face. Knowing deep inside if she asked her partner if she was truly happy the response would be “possibly”. Upon waking she felt as if her entire center was being removed piece by piece. Having the dreams play behind her eyes made her want to burst into tears. Distantly she heard her phone alarm going off and she quickly found the silence button. Slowly, she sat up and blinked against the morning light streaking across the sky. A glance at her phone said it was 7:20.
She stiffly moved her body and pushed her seat up in a sitting position. Hesitantly she pulled on the door handle and shoved the door open. The smell of the outdoors assaulted her senses and she closed her eyes. It was always quiet when they came out here. The city was continuously loud and only seemed to fall into a dull sound when most of its inhabitants went to sleep finally. Out here, it was only the sound of crickets and the faint sound of trees rustling in the wind. For a split second, it stopped the noise that was starting to build in her head.
The sound of a door slamming closed made her jerk her eyes open and she looked around. Crunching sound of footsteps drew near and she ended up staring up at her brother-in-law. Briefcase in hand and holding a cup of coffee he regarded her with a calm demeanor. “Hi,” she said and her voice caught from how dry her throat was. Grimacing, he moved closer and held out the cup towards her. “You look like hell.” His voice was light as he said this. “Thanks,” she muttered and took a sip. She didn’t care to clarify what she was responding to. “Camilla took the kids to school already. I’m on my way to work. Thought you might need that. Before.” The words he didn’t say seemed to hang even heavier in the air and she subconsciously tensed her shoulders. “Bela,” he said and she saw him flex his fingers as he adjusted his grip on the briefcase he held. “I’m not going to say anything to you about this. You’re already beating yourself up and I don’t care to add to that. But you really fucked up.” She vaguely wondered if this was his version of a pep talk. “I know,” she said quietly. A pause. “I don’t think you really do.” His voice got a slight edge to it and she felt herself tense all over. “You didn’t see her, Bela. I know my sister is pretty tough but I’ve never seen her like that. Not when she lost her grandmother. Or when we lost our cousin. You fucked up. I think before you go in there- you really need to take into consideration her wellbeing.”
“I do,” she said immediately and clenched the coffee cup she held. “Even if you believe that, she doesn’t. All I’m saying is you got a good person in there. Don’t make it worse.” He stepped back and started heading towards his car. “You got one hour and a half before Camilla comes back. We love you but she won’t be happy if you’re still here.” He looked back at her and she felt her stomach drop. “I believe in you Bela. None of us are against you. She said she’s waiting in the living room, for you.” With a brisk nod he got to his car and pulled the door open. Getting in he started the engine and pulled the door firmly shut.
By the time he was out of the drive way and down the road, her coffee was only partially finished and starting to cool. Feeling like she was wasting time she dumped the rest of it on the ground and sighed. Tiredly, she ran a hand across her eyes and counted to five slowly in her head.. Now or never, she thought to herself and willed herself to move. With uneasiness she slowly stood up and gripped the empty coffee cup in her hand. She turned and grabbed her keys and phone from the console. Quickly she unlocked her phone and set a timer. No point in pissing off her sister in law even more at this point. She looked at the house and saw no signs of life. But she knew her wife was in there. Waiting for her. For answers, for the truth that she didn’t want to share. Bela couldn’t keep her like this forever. Her wife came first. Always. Stuffing her phone and keys into her pocket she took a deep breath and stepped away from her car. She closed her door and felt the sound of it closing break the quiet morning. “Here we go,” she whispered to herself and stepped forward.

=====================================
The first few months of their marriage could only be described as boring. Not to say she dreaded coming home or dreaded the life they had. It was more of- it no longer felt as if she was fighting to keep something. They had it. Everything. The peace they wanted, the love, the care, the closeness was all theirs and in return a sense of normalcy washed over them both. Domestic comfort and no longer feeling like they had to fight to find their footing. They were on the same wavelength. Where they began; Bela wasn’t sure where it ended. They worked as a unit. Worked as one. As if they were always meant to work in tandem. Complimenting each other in ways they could have never anticipated. So many nights curled up on their living room couch, Bela wondered if that specific feeling would ever truly fade. If she’d ever get tired of feeling a part of something she struggled to identify. Of ever getting tired of waking up and seeing the warm rays of sun on her wife’s face and enjoying those fleeting seconds of gazing at her with such reverence. Able to see the vulnerability that her wife so rarely showed. A vulnerability she felt blessed to see only for herself. That they were truly each other’s in every sense of the word. Two halves now whole. And it be those early morning thoughts that had her trembling and wanting so desperately to clutch her wife closer to her. To not let her slip further away. To not lose this moment in time where it felt like she had everything in the palm of her hand. Her wife would almost always wake up and catch her staring. And she’d either tell her to stop being so weird and staring at her but Bela could see the mirth in her eyes. The ease of her smile the way she’d languidly reach for her and how easily they’d wrap around each other. No beginnings no ends just warm skin and butterfly touches. Bela felt as if she could never get enough of it. Could not stop craving her wife’s touches, her looks, her smiles that seem to shoot straight through her. Like an arrow that could always finds the bullseye.
She didn’t know when that feeling of peace and settlement started to change to one of pure utter fear. But it did. Those warm early mornings soon became moments of chaos in her head and she couldn’t help but watch in despair that one day none of it would be enough. And if she truly was meant to experience those precious seconds. Bela felt that shift inside herself and slowly the hate she spent so many years trying to curb started to leak through the cracks. Hate that was never aimed at her beloved- but at herself. For feeling that single moment of weakness when her partner slept by her side having no idea. Not knowing she was starting to drown. When she denied her wife’s gentle touch in the morning, she knew she broke one of her own rules. And there was no undoing it. A cold had settled in her bones and no amount of warm touches and kisses could stop the cold from sinking into her very core. A storm had finally found their safe harbor.

==============================
By the time she made it to the house and managed to open the door, her hands were shaking and she could hear her own heartbeat in her ears. Anxiously, she headed straight for the kitchen to clean the coffee cup and put it in the dish-washer. Trying to use the last few seconds to stave off the nerves threatening to consume her. Silently she repeated street names in her head so she wouldn’t lose focus and all too soon she found herself at the closed living room doors. This was it. She leaned forward and turned her head but there was not a sound coming from within. “God please,” she uttered softly. Hands clammy with sweat she gripped the handle on the door and slowly slid the door open.
Clothed in her pajamas and not moving, sat her wife on the couch. Her entire disheveled appearance drew Bela up short and the only thought she had was her wife had never looked so small. Her exhaustion was clear and Bela felt every word she wanted to say die on her lips.
The coffee mug in her wife’s hands was lowered as Bela entered the room. Tense eyes met hers and Bela couldn’t look away. Couldn’t look away from the wreckage left behind. “You’re here,” her wife said in a quiet voice. Bela swallowed thickly and counted to five again. “I am”, she said. She balled her hands into fists to keep them from shaking. “I didn’t ask you to be here.” Bela couldn’t stop the knee jerk response. “I had to.” A flicker of emotion crossed her wife’s face and her hands seemed to clutch her cup tighter. “Had to?” Bela immediately registered her mistake. One of many. “I wanted to,” she amended. Dark brown eyes seemed to pin her to the spot. “Why?” Bela could only stare for a moment. Why? Where to begin? How do you explain something that could only be described as ramblings from a mad woman? Words that will only sound hollow after everything that is said. There was no explaining this. No explaining the fear that threatened to choke her. The fear that threatened to destroy every inch of peace both of them had equally desired to have. “I needed to talk to you,” Bela said instead, her voice coming out stilted, sounding unconvincing even to her. Her wife finally dropped her gaze and Bela didn’t feel any relief. “More lies,” her voice was turning clipped. “I’m not lying,” Bela said. She felt the urge to move but she knew if she did she might make her partner uncomfortable. Staying where she was would be better but she never felt so distant in that singular moment. “Then why do you sound so unsure? If you don’t know why you’re here; why talk to me at all? I’m not convinced you do actually want to talk.” Belatedly, Bela noticed the pink pair of slippers her wife was wearing. The sudden glimpse she caught of them made her heart ache just a little more. “I did come to talk,” she managed to say.
“To me.”
“With you,” Bela corrected.
Stiffly, her wife leaned forward and set her cup on the table before her. The dull thud was the only thing Bela could hear. “Now you want to talk. A year later.” Dark eyes met hers again and Bela could see the anger starting to simmer within them. Nervously she flexed her now cramping hands and shifted her feet. “Please,” her voice sounded desperate now. Without a word her wife gestured at her before grabbing a pillow that sat next to her. She put it on her lap and Bela could see her gripping it tightly. A barrier. The knowledge alone felt like a hit to her chest. How many defenses did her wife have to put up against her, after all these months? When did she stop noticing? Shame made her look down. “I made a mistake,” she began nervously. At this no response. Too low. “A lot of mistakes. I didn’t …see. What I was doing to you. I thought you’d be okay. We’d be okay. I assumed. I quit checking in.” A small sigh was heard. “You’re not telling me anything new.” Bela internally flinched and she knew she couldn’t spare her anymore. The time for truth was now and wasn’t that what she set out to do? “I stopped trusting you,” she choked out. At this she raised her eyes and saw the emotion she dreaded seeing the most. Hurt. “It started small,” she continued but now her voice lost its strength and she could hear how dangerously wobbly it sounded.
“I don’t know why it happened. It wasn’t something I wanted. I don’t remember you doing anything to make me stop trusting you. It just did. I stopped reaching out. Whatever anchors I had….felt gone. I know I trusted you but my belief in that trust went away.” She could feel her arms starting to tremble and she folded them quickly to hide her reactions.
“I stopped treating you like my best friend. Like you were my safety net. I forgot how to trust in you.” Her partner remained unmovable but she could see the cracks in her façade. The raw pain shined clearly in her eyes and she could see her partner’s body starting to curl inward. Her arms were now fully wrapped around the pillow she had been holding and her back had started to lose its rigidness. Bela knew she aimed right then. A tear ran down her cheek then and she could feel the weight of the words on her tongue. “I held back.” The silence alone was suffocating.
“I-“
“I don’t want anymore of your excuses. Or lies.” Her partner said. Bela stopped and watched as her wife ran a hand across her cheek. “I’m done listening to that. You locked me out for a year. You wouldn’t tell me anything. But then you would turn right around and tell one of our friends.” Her wife held her gaze and the anger Bela caught sight of earlier was on full display. “How is any of that excusable? What made you think I would accept that?” Bela felt at a loss for words. “Finding out things from our friends but not a word from you. Everything you said to me back then was a lie. A misdirect so I wouldn’t question further.” Every word hit Bela like a bullet and she clenched her jaw. She refused to speak however. It was her turn to listen, after not doing so for a year. “Tell me why. If nothing else tell me why.”
“I don’t have any excuse,” she choked out. Now the tears she felt blurring her vision started to fall. “Your lies mean nothing to me anymore. Why should I listen when that is all you feed me anymore?” Her wife asked harshly.
Bela let out a shuddering breath and forced herself to speak. “Imara.” Her wife continued to look at her without backing down. The room suddenly felt smaller. “The truth, Bela.” Fear gripped the back of her throat but she knew what she had to do. Her thoughts all crashed together and feeling the tears on her face she answered.
“I was scared you’d reject me. That you’d see me as I truly am and wouldn’t want me.” Beat. Bela refused to look at her as she continued on. “I lost my way. I couldn’t keep my promise to you. I-I could feel your pain. Every time you’d look at me- I’d see your disappointment. Hurt. Anger. I didn’t want to drag us further down but I did anyway. There was no stopping my actions and how could I face you? With what I’d done? What I was doing? I brought it into our home Imara.” With this she closed her eyes and forced the rest of it out. “I questioned if I was worth being your wife. That I was destroying us- our home. If there’d be anything left to salvage.” Her throat restricted at this and she had to stop. The only sound was the sound of her trying to not outright cry. “I was destroying us and the whole time I was petrified. Of losing you. I couldn’t stop. The more I tried to grab a hold of things it fall part. And you would be the one left there. What person does that to the one they cherish the most?” Bela stopped and tried to count to five in her head but all she could hear was noise. She didn’t want to look. Didn’t want to see the look of disgust or pure hate on Imara’s face. But the silence between them was too much to bear. She wiped her face and forced her eyes open. Imara hadn’t moved but the traces of tears on her face was more than enough for Bela. She’d finally done it. With a simple truth she’d broken the last of their fractured lives. Imara’s gaze had lost its heat but the pain was clear in her eyes. In her facial expression. The way her body had now fully folded into itself. Bela managed to snuff out the one bright light in her life and she wondered frantically if she’d ever see it again. “Molly told me about the psychiatrist appointment.” Imara said softly. Her voice cracked slightly. “She was so shocked that I didn’t know. That my own wife could not tell me about something that was wrong. With her. I was so devastated Bela. That you couldn’t trust me enough to tell me. And every time I attempted to dig a little further you’d shut down. How am I supposed to find out what’s wrong if you won't face me? If you won’t tell me yourself? I’m not a mind reader Bela. I’m not a stranger on the street. I am your wife. We’re married. How would I not support you about this?” Imara’s tone had lost it’s edge but the underlying current was palpable. Like a storm waiting to start. Bela didn’t realize she had closed her eyes again until she heard movement and Imara’s voice was closer. “Look at me Bela.” The command wasn’t said harshly and Bela opened her eyes. Tears were still falling but they’d slowed down to a trickle on her face. She could feel them sliding down and staring at Imara’s face almost made her lose the last of her resiliency. Imara’s eyes were red and the exhaustion on her face was blatant but she saw something else. Something else that made her body tremble. Concern. Imara’s face was pinched but it was her eyes that couldn’t hide it. Bela knew her wife. She would recognize that look no matter what. And she was displaying it without hesitancy. “In sickness and in health,” Imara’s voice cracked. A stray tear escaped. “You’re sick. You’ve kept it from me for a year but I knew.” Fear made her stomach churn and Imara kept staring at her. Pinning her in place, refusing to let her look away. To hide. “You lied to me for a year. And I knew. Every day you wouldn’t tell me or you’d pull away it hurt Bela. It hurt so goddamn much. Because I care. I’ve always cared and you denied me that. Caring for you and being there for you.”
Bela forgot to breathe but she was immovable. Staring at the only person she knew wouldn’t hurt her. “I wouldn’t have looked at you differently or treated you differently if you had told me. You’re my wife. You have me. You always had me. I’m not a statue in your cabinet to display and only look at when you suddenly remember I exist. I’ve been here waiting for you this entire time. Waiting for you to show me that trust you so easily gave to others but limited when it came to me. It hurts, Bela.” Bela could see the tears starting to form in Imara’s eyes again and she could see the quiver in her hands but Imara didn’t stop. Before Bela could step back from the sudden intensity of it all, Imara’s hand shot out and grabbed her arm. Utterly freezing her in place. “I’m not going to wait anymore. I’ve lived with this for a year. I’m done with your excuses. With what you won’t tell me anymore. I’ve always wanted your honesty Bela. No matter how ugly it is. But you have to decide on doing that. Not me. You.”
Imara abruptly dropped her hand away and Bela could see the toll this was taking on her. To tell her these things after so many months of not being able to. Of not being able to reach her. The loss of her touch on her arm was enough to make her sick. “I’m sorry for all of this,” her voice came out course from trying to swallow back her tears. Imara didn’t react. Instead she sighed and closed her eyes. Like the heaviness of it all was too much to hold. “I don’t want your apologies. I want your decision. A home cannot exist on shifting sand. We can’t continue like this. I can’t continue like this for you. Living in a home where you show me nothing but facades. That isn’t a marriage. That’s not a home I can exist in.” Bela nodded mutely and quickly wiped more of her tears away. Imara's eyes opened again and Bela desperately wished she'd touch her again. If only for a moment. Imara looked at her with trepidation and Bela knew what was coming before she even said it. “Until you’ve made that decision, I’m not coming back home.” The panic Bela had been desperately trying to keep controlled started to unravel at these words. That was it. What she'd been waiting for over the past hour. There wasn't any going back there wasn't taking anything back. All that time, and for what? To fix what?
As if sensing her train of thought Imara gestured abruptly and Bela's eyes focused on her. "I don't mean a divorce. I'm pissed. Believe me I am pissed but I don't want a divorce. I just can't go back to a place that doesn't feel like a home. Or if you even want me there to start with." Counting seconds again, Bela tried to retain her attention but her heart hammering was the only thing she could hear. "I'm not doing that anymore Bela. I've made my decision, the rest of this is on you. You decide where we go from here." Bela weighed her response and before she could utter anything the jarring sound of her alarm going off broke the tense silence. "Shit," she said instead and pulled the phone out of her pocket. Turning it off she didn't see her wife's eyes narrow. "What was that?" Silently, Bela pocketed her phone. "Timer. So I don't overstay my welcome." Imara's facial features twisted and Bela could see ire starting to rise again. "Really? You had us timed?" Bela felt her thoughts slow and Imara look away. "Wow. So you made a timer for us. I'm so happy to know discussing us, our relationship, matters so much to you."
"Nicholas mentioned Camilla was only giving us a short amount of time-"
"Really?" Imara asked incredulous and looked back at her. "You're really going to tell me that right now? After everything? What? You can only talk to me so long before running away, at behest of my sister?"
"I didn't want to upset her further-"
"Did you think about how it would make me feel?" At this Bela didn't know how to respond. Imara scoffed and stepped away. "You had me. For a moment, you had me. I was seriously thinking you were here wanting to discuss this with me. That this matters to you as much as it does me but no you set a timer."
"I don't understand," Bela began but stopped when Imara turned away from her. "That's it isn't it? You don't understand. You don't want to understand. Every time I think you're going to finally let me in and talk to me you don't."
"I was trying to be accommodating-"
"What about me, Bela?!" At this Imara raised her voice and it was cold as ice. "Do I not deserve that too? After a year? A year of waiting for you to talk to me. Waiting on you to finally show up, to finally tell me what's wrong. Do I not deserve the same respect? The same accommodation? When do you put me first?"
"I came here, for you. I showed up." Bela replied but her words tasted like acid.
"You're so incredibly selfish," Imara said. "You take my sister's feelings into consideration. You take Nicholas' words at heart but where is that understanding when it comes to me? Why am I fighting so much for your attention, your acknowledgement? Do I matter that little to you?" Bela hesitated when Nicholas' words rang through her head again. Imara didn't believe she was her priority. Her actions alone solidified this belief well before today. It had been solidified this entire time. Everything she has done up until now has been ruthlessly analyzed by Imara and suddenly her words made so much sense. Imara wasn't mad at her for adhering to Camilla’s rules. She was mad at her because it showed her Bela didn’t take their conversation as seriously. Whatever was said was never going to matter because in Imara’s eyes, Bela would leave anyway. Before anything was worked out.
“You keep me at such a distance. Am I really your wife at this point? Or just a roommate you can’t stand to be around?” The words Bela wanted to say came out before she could even think it through.
“I stopped trying because I thought I broke our home. I didn’t see you because I couldn’t face what I’ve done to you. You aren’t just my best friend you’re my partner. My wife. My home is with you. It’s always been you, Imara. I’ve been so lost, adrift, trying to find our harbor. Trying to find you again. I didn’t say anything because how do you- how do you lose focus on what’s most important? I didn’t trust because it’s my hands that have hurt you. It’s my actions that have hurt you. It’s me that’s made you believe you’re not worthy or seen. Or understood. I hate myself for bringing this to our doorstep. But most of all I hate myself for what I’ve done to you. I destroyed your faith in me. In us. You weren't kept at a distance out of some version of resentment or hate. It's because you mean so much to me I can't bear hurting you anymore. I wanted to protect you. From me. This entire time I've been trying to protect you from me. I didn't want you hurting anymore. You deserved to come home to a place that was safe for you to be vulnerable in. Not something where you resent me and distrust me. I did that. I've made decisions out of selfish want to keep the one person from being destroyed by my hands. To me, I've been prioritizing you because I was trying to keep you from the chaos and the mess I was making. To spare you more pain."
The faint ticking of a clock was the only thing both of them could hear. Imara hadn't turned around but Bela waited. "You realize how fucked up that is, don't you?" Imara's voice was hollow. "Keeping me from you. Locking yourself away like you had. All that time. You showed our friends but not once did you consider what it would do to me."
"I did it out of love," Bela blurted out before she lost her courage. "It was. I am selfish. I know it was a mistake but your happiness means everything to me. Your peace means everything to me. I didn't want to bring it to you because I didn't want to burden you. I thought by not telling you, you'd be spared. It was the one thing I had in my head that whole time. Do not cause you anymore harm."
"Look where that's led us Bela," Imara said and turned towards her. "You want me to believe you that you did this out of the goodness of your heart and I don't think I can. You purposely hid from me and lied to me. That's not taking me into consideration. You left me alone in our marriage in that apartment for a year. You cut me out. That's cutting our trust, our communication, like it's nothing. Like it meant nothing to you. We have been married for two years. I never once kept anything from you but you hid this from me. You said it yourself -you were scared. I don't believe this was done out of good intentions. Not all of it. You ran. From me, our home, the life we built. You ran and you didn't stop."
Bela felt the air escape her lungs and her mind went completely blank. Imara seemed to look right through her and Bela couldn't stop her even if she tried. "You ran because you were scared. Of me, of our life. What we have and you're scared I'd find out how cowardly you really are deep inside."
Imara sniffed and blinked rapidly. Tears had gathered in her eyes again but Bela could only stare numbly at her. As if waiting to be eviscerated. "It's not fair to those of you around you when you already have one foot out the door. You know my stance Bela. I'm not changing it. I know you. I'm not ready to throw this out yet. But you have to make a decision on what it is you want from me and this marriage. I can't make that for you and I'm not going to wait at home staring at our door hoping you made a choice. That you chose me like I chose you. I will not keep ignoring my own needs in order to comfort you. You can't ask me to do that.”
“It never crossed my mind to. I didn’t want you to do anything I just wanted you happy. With me.”
“Not talking to me or allowing me to be there- is an example of that. It’s the opposite. I’ve had enough. We can’t keep doing this and I’m not doing this cycle again. Do you understand that?”

“I do. But I don't know where to go from here," Bela said through numb lips. “Where to even start.” Imara seemed pained at this but she didn't say anything. Instead she turned and went back to the couch. When she sat down it was like all the energy had been completely zapped from her and Bela knew the conversation was over.
"I'll be here a few more days then I'm moving in with Celeste." She said as her only response.
An image of Imara's half sister popped into Bela's mind and she felt something loosen in her chest. Celeste was extremely friendly and the first family member to welcome her. Also the only family member to cry the most at their wedding. Knowing Imara would be safe with her eased the building tension inside her. "Camilla doesn't want her kids seeing us like this and I agree. We don't need the whole family involved. This is between me and you."
"Can I come see you?" Bela dared to ask. At this Imara looked up. "That depends on you. Celeste won't bar you but I can't guarantee I'd want to see you after moving in." Bela felt her breath hitch and felt her heart shatter for what felt like the thousand time. They were really doing this. Everything felt so surreal. Like she dreamed this exact moment so many times and as hard as she tried it became true. The urge to run was strong but Bela for once in her life, didn't want to heed its call. She didn’t want to keep running. "Then I'd like to ask if we can talk. In the future." Imara held her gaze for a moment before silently nodding. That was all Bela needed. Confirmation. Imara would be willing to talk to her after some time had passed. The fractured foundation that had been slowly crumbing beneath them had finally collapsed. What was left remained to be seen. For the first time in over 5 years, Bela had no idea what her next action would be. Choices from here felt dauntless and something she couldn't even think about. Let alone make decisions on. Her therapist was undoubtedly going to drag them out of her at their next appointment.
Distantly she was aware of the clock striking the half hour mark and she moved her feet. "I think I'll go." Imara made no move from the couch but the singular nod was the only indication she got that she was free to leave.
Bela suddenly remembered the small object in her pocket. Eying her, she awkwardly stepped forward and put her hand in her pocket. Imara stiffened as she approached and Bela tried to not feel the sting of the reaction. Not looking her in the eye, she pulled her our her hand and leaned forward. Placing on the table, she revealed Imara’s wedding ring. “This is yours too,” she said softly and feeling the tears starting to surface again she abruptly pulled back and turned for the door. She had to leave before she pushed her wife any further. Before she asked for something even more selfish and unfair. But returning? Who knew at this point. The when and not if, was heavy on her mind and silently she headed for the front door. She pulled her car keys out of her pocket and Imara's voice interrupted her. "I love you, Bela. I need you to know that. Out of everything I do still love you. That won’t ever change. And I've missed you." The words slammed into Bela's heart and she nearly dropped her keys. Behind the wall that separated the entry way and the living room Bela dropped her guard. Her shoulders shook from the weight of her reality crashing down on her and she believed what Nicholas said. Imara truly was a good person and she royally fucked up something she couldn't undo. The tears could no longer be held back. The dam was broken as was her heart.
Grabbing a hold of the door knob she choked out the words she'd been struggling to say for over a year without fear and hesitancy suffocating it, "I love you too."

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