Goodbye, from JambeeBot

Posted by @JambeeBot

When I started SnaccPop, I’d been lost.

My family and I were supposed to be moving together, to Texas. It was supposed to be the start of a new life for all of us after years of hell. When we were finally packed up, I was only then informed that I would actually be moving to be with extended family. I went from being part of the only family I knew to paying for my own separate U-Haul to take me somewhere different. I was left with a year to make something of myself from scratch, or otherwise be homeless and destitute - no clue on how to drive or pay bills or anything.

I wanted something to do with my life. I’d never made any choices on my own before, and this was my first. When my original characters gained attention, so much so that people were willing to pay to experience my stories. I thought this is it. This is where I'll make a name for myself. Something I could be proud of, something that my family could be proud of, something that people could see me for and so I could know that I was worthwhile.

But the thing about being lost, though, is that I didn’t have much of a clue about anything. I could read the stars and notch the trees, but that doesn’t mean I’m actually going anywhere. And when I’m lost, the only place I want to be getting or going is O-U-T.

I’ve quit SnaccPop before, searching for people who could take care of it better than me. But not once did I ever feel worthy of it, even after the blood, sweat, tears, sleepless nights, and barely awake days. My world kept falling apart over and over, leaving me with no peace in my life—not a single moment of respite. All I ever felt was a growing, mounting pressure.

Revenue relies on me, people's survival relies on me. I've got to do and be a lot of things at once. Even if I'm tired, I can't stop.

Person A believes there should be no moderators, arguing for complete freedom. In contrast, Person B advocates for more moderators, emphasizing the need for oversight. Person A demands for noncon scenes, because of the genre of the game, while Person B is appalled, asking, "How could you create noncon? I thought you and this space were safe."

Since the start, I’ve dealt with “situation” after “situation” and cleaned mess after mess. Some of them have been completely horrific, and ones that I just had to take on the chin and keep chugging along like nothing’s been wrong. I thought that being in servers every day, working every day, not sleeping every other day, was going to be key to showing I care. Maybe… I heaved a heavy dollop of extra pressure onto myself too. But to simplify, nothing really went to plan.

Even when I resigned, I felt responsible for contractors, fans, and my friends who joined me along this path. I didn’t handle things well, especially after my father’s passing. I’ve grappled with conflicts of interest— should I stand up for myself or avoid rocking the boat? Put XYZ first and myself last. Priorities change as difficult jobs, IRL circumstances, and personal affairs shift. Suddenly, a deadline that once seemed easy to reach became impossible—and it has already been a week since it passed.

Firstly, I am truly sorry to anyone I have let down in personal relationships. I realize that my actions—whether being overly stringent and strict, conflating personal with professional, or placing undue pressure on you—have strained our relationship. Personal relationships should be a source of support and understanding, not stress and tension. If my actions have made you feel unappreciated and undervalued, I sincerely apologize.

I also want to apologize for projecting my own burdens onto others. It was unfair of me to impose my struggles and expectations on you, and I recognize how harmful that was. Other people go through difficult things too, and I could have been more acknowledging of those facts. You did not deserve to carry my weight along with your own, and I sympathize with the stress and frustration this must have caused you. Everyone deserves the space to navigate their own challenges without being overwhelmed by someone else's.

To those whose hopes I raised, only to sorely let down, I am profoundly sorry. I made promises without fully assessing my ability to fulfill them. I have a tendency to overcommit when I feel a burst of energy, which causes me to overestimate my ability for future tasks at the moment. In doing so, I subjected you to the fluctuations of my mental and physical health, while these experiences arise from the realities of my health, I feel ashamed and guilty of any emotional difficulty this has caused you. I pushed myself beyond what I was capable of and it resulted in numerous delays and hiatuses. You expected me to be a strong and capable lead and I am sorry that it took me this many times and this long to finally accept that I was not equipped nor ready to handle such responsibilities.
Lastly, I’m sincerely grateful for everyone who stayed by my side. I recognize I haven’t always been the best version of myself. I'm sorry that I was not able to give you my best self, and any upset, frustration, or sadness you have experienced is valid. I realize I haven’t met the support and reliability you deserve. I respect your decision to seek the genuine care and understanding you need and I hope you find the peace and fulfillment you deserve.

I’m tired. And nobody may believe it, but I have my reasons for being too tired to continue. And I’ve written a couple “Stepping Down” posts before, but this is going to have to be the last one.

Effective, publicly, immediate - I’m resigning from SnaccPop Studios.

I leave to its current studio head, the “IPs” as it were. I’ve written copious notes and bibles on SDJ, and I have many assets finished. And what’s not finished will be completed by SnaccPop Studios themselves. I’m no longer planning on doing anything besides what’s necessary and specifically requested by SnaccPop.

The current head has exhibited a phenomenal understanding as to my intentions for my work– politically and emotionally. Fae prioritizes the very fundamental reasons why these pieces of work exist. I strongly believe that fae can breathe life into my works and give you all the quality projects that you’ll genuinely enjoy and want to explore.
I never really got to enact my final visions for stories like AphroDesia and DachaBo anyways, and the vision they follow was never realized. I hold faith that the current team will do it exactly right.

So to speak, AphroDesia, DachaBo, TGoGM, and Something’s Wrong with Sunny Day Jack are “bequeathed” to faem. Adopted, given, whatever terminology is needed. It’s awkward to phrase.

I’ve been privy for a while to people saying that I ought to give them these characters- in jest, or in all seriousness. These characters, believe it or not, meant something to me. They were imbued with my stories, my history, my passions, my trauma. I feel violated to know that people argue and fight for imaginary ownership of my characters and stories as if I’m already deceased and these characters, which are parts of my very soul, are up for grabs like it's an estate auction after my funeral.

I hope you never have to feel like your worth as a human begins and ends at the tips of the dicks of the fictional characters you create. Because I have felt like nothing but a conduit to Jack or Jambee or anyone else- many a time. I’ve never known where I started and Jack, Jambee, Bo, Elias, etc.. ended. Something everyone can agree is that I’ve grown increasingly, unceasingly paranoid of making connections with other people. Do they want to be my friend or Jack's? Do they want to get to know me or fun factoids about Jambee?

I’ve had my art ported into AIs, seen people gleefully sell prints of my own artwork, people delight in my past attempts as they “milked” my work for all its worth, called slurs to my face and behind my back, had my heritage and ethnicity questioned, and much, much more. Living a life where occurrences like this are regular has severely affected me throughout my entirety of my duration with SnaccPop. It’s been physically and mentally evasive to my life and others’. I haven’t handled the pain well, and to all those who endured my ranting, rambling, and “trauma dumping”, I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you, and I’m sure that it’s put so much weight on you. I hope that, in a way, giving up something so meaningful to me is evident of my commitment to making a lasting change. I’m ceasing contact with something I very passionately held onto, despite the way I was unable to handle the commitment.
I won’t make the same mistake again, and that’s all I can offer. It’s not enough for the support you gave, even though you were put on the spot, and I wish I could offer you more.

I accept that some things are beyond my understanding and some people will never agree with me and vice versa. Initially, I feared rejection and sought perfection, placing that burden on myself. It's my responsibility to set realistic relationship expectations, even with myself. Often, I’ve felt worthless—now more than ever. I don’t need reassurance, as I’m giving my hopes and dreams to someone I hope will bring happiness to others.

That’s all that can be said. I hardly feel like I have a right to even feel this way, but it’s probably our last time meeting so. Consider this my part, reminiscing.

The current head is the first person I’ve ever met who was given the helm at SnaccPop and leapt into it with a determination to do better on every front possible. For months, Fae managed meetings with accountants and tax professionals, tackled legal work, handled paperwork to protect the contractors and adult space with SnaccPop Studios. If you have been wondering why there's been a studio wide production hiatus, for those who have not been on SnaccPop's Patreon, it's because fae has been doing everything in faer power to follow the U.S. federal and state laws and website policies to the best faer's ability to prevent minors in our 18+ communal spaces, and drafting contracts for freelancers to ensure they are fairly compensated for the hard work. Let faem cook.

I’m giving my “babies” to the person who has demonstrated fae are willing and able to take care of them best, and I’m doing so with a resounding peace inside. None of you have seen the impressive feats fae has performed, and even when given the option to exit and forgo the stresses as studio head, fae’s resolve has never waivered.
Firstly, I’m going to be resigning from SnaccPop. That means the content on SnaccPop will no longer be completed by me, besides the few remaining Patron orders I left over the holidays. With the commissions completed and others now handling the work, my involvement is no longer required.

Then comes the matter of socials.

I’ll be blunt and say that I’m not planning to stick around. This is a difficult decision, believe it or not. I worked on SnaccPop when I felt I didn’t have a home, so now I’m going to have to figure out what to do with myself all over again. I’ve come to realize that staying would keep me tied to a chapter that no longer serves my health nor happiness. I’ve poured a lot into this project, and my personal priorities have shifted. It’s time I turn my attention to my own well-being and explore new opportunities. This decision isn’t a reflection on SnaccPop itself—it’s just the next step I feel I have to take for myself.

These characters, once my safe space to project my stories and emotions, are now “triggers” for some of the most horrid, painful years of my life. I feel violated, and I’m just not in a healthy, happy place to keep doing this. I’ve come to realize that continuously returning to these characters pulls me back into a cycle of reliving painful moments. Instead of finding closure, I’m trapped in old wounds that never fully heal. Stepping away is a choice I’m making to prioritize my mental and emotional health, and to give myself a chance at finding new, healthier creative outlets.

I’ll ask that people not DM or email me any farewell messages, because I have to focus on those who currently need my help to finish my last rights. It isn’t that I don’t appreciate your thoughts, but at this point, managing emotional goodbyes on top of my existing commitments would become overwhelming. By keeping my messages and DMs closed, I can channel my energy into fulfilling my obligations and preserving my mental well-being.
If you’ve got an outstanding commission, I’m going to be diverting time I would normally spend helping at SnaccPop to expediting its completion. I’ll be doing nothing further besides that.

Thirdly comes the matter of private socials.

Some of you have been kind to message me and ask how I’ve been. Thank you for taking the time and energy to do so. Whether friend, associate, or fan, I’ll be unfriending, unfollowing, and unsubscribing from everyone and everything. Any group chats, servers, etc..., I’ll be leaving. At the end of it all, I’m removing myself entirely and leaving only an email for handling legitimate affairs.

This is not a personal slight against anyone, I am simply logging off social media. I apologize if this means an abrupt ending to any long-vested relationships, and you’re free to be upset. I’d be hurt too, but you will find better friendships. Maybe someday we might meet again, when I’m a person more deserving of your kindness.
I want to be alone in this juncture of my life. Some of you have been genuinely kind and supportive, and I’m deeply grateful for that. You deserve more than what I can offer right now. I hope you find the heartfelt appreciation and positive energy that truly reflects the kindness you’ve shown me.

I am profoundly grateful for the unwavering support I have received from people. In these challenging economic times, when everyone is fighting their own battles and resources are scarce, the fact that people still chose to extend their support to me is truly remarkable. I am deeply aware that I was not always deserving of this patience, and this realization fills me with guilt, shame, and remorse. There are better, more capable individuals who could have achieved much more with the same support. I regret having occupied space that could have been better utilized by others.

As I reflect on the support I have received, I can't help but think about how it must have felt for those who gave it. They offered their time, energy, and resources, likely with the hope that their efforts would yield positive results. Instead, my shortcomings may have left them feeling frustrated, disappointed, and even disillusioned. It is a heavy burden to bear when one's well-intentioned support amounted to delays and hiatuses. I’m sorry for any disappointment and frustration I have caused, and I deeply regret any emotional toll this may have taken on those who supported me. I am passing the torch to someone that I care for and trust to do right by you. You’ll be okay. Stepping down entirely is the best step to a new future that I've had in a long time.

Despite having the best of intentions, I get that intentions alone are not enough. They are intangible and cannot be felt or experienced by others. Actions speak louder than words, and it is through actions that true worth is demonstrated. I have witnessed other people work tirelessly, achieving remarkable results even under immense pressure, without ever faltering publicly. Their resilience and dedication are inspiring, and it is clear that they are more deserving of the support and opportunities that I have been given.

I wanted to do a lot of things. I wanted to make NSFW content, I wanted to tell stories, I wanted to make safe spaces, and I wanted to make friends. Yet, I feel I fell short in each area, never quite meeting the expectations I set for myself. In trying so hard, I lost the sense of home, identity, friendships, and even the work I cared about most. It feels like the very things I wanted to build slipped through my fingers, leaving me with little to show and a strong sense of loss.

I don’t have any plans for when I leave SnaccPop. I made the decision to leave not because it was comfortable or appealing, and this isn’t going to be a vacation or a treat. It will take some considerable effort on my part to settle my time, my failures, and my feelings on this. I acknowledge that and apologize for any impact I’ve had. Going forward, I’ll be thoughtful in how I proceed.

To those of you who are still here, it’s okay. I don’t need or want condolences or comfort or sympathy. I appreciate the kind gestures many of you have sent my way, but it’d be wasted on me when there are other people you can support.

It’s gonna take some time to pack it all down, so I’ll be around long enough for that. If you’ve got business, talk to me now or you’ll have to use my email later. And again- I’m handing off the projects with every asset, note, bible, and concept piece I have. Legally, I’m signing over to SnaccPop the IPs themselves - character, works, and all. So if it’s important to you, they’ll still be around. Just not me.

I hope that this makes a SnaccPop that’s better in every way. I hope that makes things that make people happy, because to start? That’s all I wanted to do. You’ll all be fine and well taken care of, in the hands of someone who is doing this well and right.

I want to extend my heartfelt thanks to everyone who has been a part of my journey—friends, ex-friends, and acquaintances alike. Thank you for the time, energy, and misplaced confidence you invested in me.
I sincerely apologize for not living up to even the bare-minimum expectations that were set by myself alone. I understand the disappointment and frustration this has caused, and I sympathize with the emotional toll it must have taken. To have placed your faith in me only to be let down is a deeply unfair burden, and for that, I am truly sorry.

I regret not stepping down sooner when it became clear that I was not capable of meeting the expectations placed upon me by my own hands. My reluctance to do so has led to further disappointment and strain on those who continued to support me. The repercussions have been significant, affecting not only my own well-being but also the well-being of those around me. I’m sorry for any distress I have caused, and I acknowledge the lasting impact my actions may have had.

That's about it. I'm not sure how this came off, so I apologize if it's rambly. This is years off, to say goodbye to it all. I hope it's okay.

It’s been nice while it lasted. Be nice to the people who are left, because they’re good people and they could only do so much while also having to deal with me. Would you be able to do any better?

Take care.

Have business final affairs/business to handle? Email: [email protected].

JambeeBot

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