[145]
@cheolliemoon
snow hates dreams— nightmares to be exact. waking up in sweats, hands shaking, chasing breathes. and nightmares doesn't have to be a horror type dream wherein a killer clown would follow you, or a zombie apocalypse, or you're living in a haunted house with unexplainable plots of running and being trapped. beautiful dreams, for snow, are a nightmare. the most beautiful ones bring him fear and tears every time that he'll wake up. they are there when he's asleep and then when the alarm rings, snow will wake up, together with the fact they are not going to be the same anymore.
snow forgets dreams.
but it goes like this.
season's, of course, their ever so beautiful restaurant, loud and bright as ever. they are there, everyone's there. the purple walls standing behind him as he sat on the same chair, same table, same corner. he was there, listening, watching everyone make their way into that fun they've been aiming for.
there's the classic dance of maven and miles, the bickering of genesis and akihiro while their lovers are staring at them fondly, akiomi and pragma, of course, they are having their mature and sincere conversation.
they are there. peaceful, complete, alive. they are alive.
they were alive.
and at first, snow thought that this was one of his usual dreams where they are chaotic and everything, and then later, mako will sit in front of him, telling him that they will meet later, that they will be together again later, but it was not. snow never thought of that as a nightmare.
no one sat across his seat. no one noticed him being there. no one knew snow. because people arrived, sol, sam, philia, eros, and even lavia that he barely knew. they all arrived, with smiles on their faces and a coffee in their hand. they came, greeting everyone but him. no eyes landed on him. no smile was meant for him. no greetings were said for him. nothing was for him. no one noticed him.
not even mako who just entered with a cheeky smile. mako who announced something, "i want you to meet my boyfriend," and another man entered, someone with a blurry face, someone who was not familiar. when his name was told, snow started to hear sirens, with the smell of blood, with the smell of fire.
he was forgotten, he was dead.
he was gone, he was no one.
he was alone in a car the next second, no one was protecting him, no one was behind him. he was still under the steering wheels but there was no aryang who tried to cover him. no help coming through him.
and snow hated that dream, because what if that was supposed to happen? what if he was forgotten?
what if mako forgot him?
snow covered his face with his free arm as he lay down on his bed, breathing still heavy, afraid to sleep, afraid to forget, "do you remember me?" he wanted to ask philia and sol awhile ago, "do you... know who i am?" it was at the end of his tongue, but they looked at him with care. they laughed with him genuinely, shared things that he loved, and snow realized they remembered him.
they know him.
but mako, what about him?
what would he answer if snow asked who his boyfriend was? of course it is not snow, but would it be a different name? would it be a different angel?
will he remember snow? will he linger on the same rains that they shared? will he still hold on to those sands that had been washed off over time? will it be the same?
would they be the same?
snow wanted to know but there was a phone call that ended his thoughts. a call from a stranger, and the number was never familiar. snow never put a name to his contacts but he knows who is who, but this was just different. he never encountered it even once in his life. no one knew him, of course. who would call a guy who spends his day by either staying inside their house, or hanging out with his very few friends, or sitting on the same table in a restaurant that was once his.
snow still wanted to overthink but he answered anyway, "yes? this is snow yoon speaking, may i know who's this?" he greeted. there was silence for about half a minute, and he thought it was a prank call made by kids who checked their mom's notebook full of contacts from their customers who needed to load. it was odd.
but it replied, "angel," one word that could crash snow's world down. one nickname that could make his universe fall into a blackhole. one reply that could make his thoughts running once again.
angel, and he remembered.
he was an angel.
mako remembered.
"you remember me," he said with relief, finally sitting with a heavy heart.
"i remember you, of course. you are the only angel that i know," but snow refused to believe this. because why would latter call him something that they only used when they are together? why would he call him an angel when they are done? what's into mako and he once again said a forgotten term. angel.
angel, angel, angel.
"why did you call? where did you get my number?" something at the back of his mind was telling him to hang up. to end this call because it is ridiculous. he did not go at season's for four days to get a grip on this reality, and then one call, one nickname, and three words could make him run back to that place. three words and his world once again belongs to mako.
"where did i got your number is not important right now. what i want to know is if you are going here tomorrow. are you free, snow?" mako asked back and snow did not answered. he doesn't want to answer not because he doesn't know what to say but because he was afraid of what will happen if he'll say, yes, he is free, "don't mistake this as an act of kindness, angel, i just want to be comfortable with your presence again so that i can answer all of my questions that includes you."
"i don't think this is a kindness, mak," he went back with sincerity, "i don't you are going to be kind to me at all. pero dahil tanga ako at mahal pa rin kita, let me think that this is some sort of warmth and tell you that i am free tomorrow," snow's voice was soft and defeated, with no hopes but dumbness of being a martyr just for snow.
"can i ask you out?"
"can i pretend that we are still together if i say yes?" mako did not answer and snow understood why, "sorry for that stupid---"
"let's pretend."
"let's do what?"
"let's act as if it was the 26th of september in 2021. let's pretend that we're still the same boys."
"who played under the rain?"
"i remember you, angel," at this point, mako should stop calling him this. mako should stop telling him this, "i remember us."
"tomorrow, mako, i'll see you."
"okay, see you later."
see you later. i remember you.
how many sentences that contain three words will break snow's heart? how many words can disguise as promises to kill snow a little more?
"good night, mako."
"good night, snow."
and when their call ended, snow stared at his table beside his bed where his sixth notebook rests, together with a video player and a cd. it's time to end the day. it's time to dream and lie again.
so snow picked it up and wrote about his day.
09/03/23
akiomi, maven, aryang, eve, devon, and akihiro died two years ago, during the last week of october in 2021.
i dreamed of my friend forgetting me, making my day a little more worse, so i asked philia to bring me beer at noon.
later, he got into a fight with his kuya pragma, and what happened next is out of my knowledge and business.
i stayed at the park, the usual one that lets us unwind for a moment. then i asked sol to come with me and he brought me a sandwich.
mako also asked me if i am free tomorrow and agreed to pretend.
i don't know if this is right but he told me that there are some questions that include me, so the answer was within me.
while he's my question, and i am willing to find the answer forever.
-yoon, s.
"see you later," he whispered and called it a day, good night.