Right Where You Left Me.

全体公開 17 992 7 18886文字

2022-06-09 00:21:37

— taekookau, angst, 3.2k words. read at your own risk.

for the ones who loved, and still love up to this day. may you find your peace. <3 please play right where you left me and muli for me :)

Posted by

@yvorepolyo

“Taehyung! Are you coming?”

The papers on top of my desk makes my head ache. Hindi na natapos ang mga trabaho noon, tapos may dagdag ulit. I yawned and stretched my arms before turning around to face my co-worker, Jimin. “Not sure. May kailangan ako gawin eh..” I said.

“Birthday ni Seokjin! Mamaya magtampo siya!” Pagpipilit niya.

I smiled at him, before looking back at the papers. Agad sumakit ang ulo ko sa dami niyo. Damn, bakit ba hindi matapos-tapos ito? “Try—”

“I will tell Yoongi na hindi ka magoovertime at itutuloy yan bukas! He’ll understand!” Nakanguso na siya ngayon. I smirked, knowing he’ll probably bribe the man using his charms. Yoongi got a crush on him.

Sa huli, sinama niya na ako.

He didn’t even ask my boss for permission. He just said that he’ll take me with him and I’ll just continue my work tomorrow. Jimin clicked my keys at agad naman akong pumasok sa loob para makapunta na kami.

It’s late when we got to the club. Maraming tao, at dahil nga late kami, we expected many people. Hindi na kami nagulat dahil sa ingay sa loob.

I went to Seokjin’s table together with Jimin. He was greeting some of his workmates, and colleagues. Nakita ko rin ang mga pamilyar na mukha na galing sa college. There were even some of our high school batchmates.

Napangiti ako. Ah, high school.

One of the most memorable levels in life yet.. one of the… most traumatizing in.. love.

I took a glass from the waiter. I’m worried slightly about myself because there’s a high chance I will be seeing people I don’t want to see. Ever. If there’s a chance to escape, I will. If there’s a chance to run away again, I will.

Because I don’t want to settle.. for something like that.

I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to be in a room with him. I don’t want to be near him.

I don’t want him.

Other than being from the same batch in high school, kaibigan din ito ng asawa ni Seokjin. At kaibigan namin. But I really hope, even if there’s a small chance, sana.. sana wala siya dito.

For years, I admired him from afar. I hated him, and I love him always, from afar. It’s been a decade since something happened between us. It’s been a decade, but I haven’t.. even moved, a little bit from where I am.

Ni isang lakad. One step, one move. Wala. Nandito pa rin ako.

God knows I tried to move. He knows I tried to move forward and move on. Napatawad ko na rin ang lahat. Pero bakit.. bakit ang hirap-hirap pa ring gumalaw mula sa kinatatayuan ko?

I met people. I became desperate to meet people.

Wala talaga eh. Kahit anong gawin ko.. wala pa rin.

Ano ba dapat kong gawin? Magpakalayo-layo? Ginawa ko na. Pumunta ng ibang bansa at iwan ang Pilipinas? Ginawa ko na rin.

I forgave them. All of them. Pati sarili ko.

But somehow the traumatizing event that happened made me.. question my worth.

Was I only.. something less than love? Ano? Infatuation? Tangina.

Red, Blue, Green— different colors moved around the club. Someone came in, and the cheers got louder. I feel nauseous and nervous, but not hurt. I know that feeling.

“Jungkook!” Someone called. I bit my tongue.

He’s here.

Autumn leaves fell from the tree, and stayed on the ground. The sun made me cover my eyes because of its heat and power. Masyadong malakas. Nakakasilaw.

The LED lights from the club were replaced with an ordinary day.

Students were roaming around me. Some were running, some were just walking and some were just standing on the side. Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo. It’s still early. Mamaya pa ang flag ceremony.

“Taehyung!” Sigaw ng isang kaibigan ko. I looked at the back kasi nanggaling dito. Pero bago pa man ako makatingin sa likod ko, someone put his arms around my shoulders.

“Good morning.” Masayang bati niya sa akin.

I rolled my eyes at him, “Hindi maganda ang umaga kapag ikaw una kong nakikita, Jungkook.”

Tumawa siya sa akin, and he acted hurt by placing his hand over his chest. Napangiti din ako. “Sakit mo.” He said with a smile on his face. Napailing na lang ako sa kanya.

Jungkook is my friend. We have common friends so we became friends too. Si Seokjin. I met him through Seokjin. And besides, his classroom is just beside mine. Nagkikita at naguusap kami sa hallway, leaning on the barricades since we’re from the second floor.

Jungkook is attractive. A campus crush. Kahit yung mga nakakatanda sa amin ay nagkakacrush sa kanya.

He has a fair share of lovers. Hindi naman marami because he’s not an asshole like the others. But he’s doing girlfriends and boyfriends if there’s a chance.

Right now, he’s single.

Well, of course, I won’t take advantage of that kahit na may crush ako sa kanya. Lowkey lang dapat ako. Besides, I only move a little, showing interest. But I won’t tell him the truth. Mataas ang pride ko.

I got closer with Jungkook the next year because we were classmates.. and seatmates. Nag-uusap kami palagi sa upuan, and we play games on our notebooks without the teacher noticing.

I laughed when he lost to me in a game of tic-tac-toe. He was so focused on blocking all my moves and I took that advantage. Kaya naman natalo siya sa akin.

All of the time, we were together. Kahit ay program sa baba, magkatabi kami— nakaupo man o nakatayo. We laugh at jokes, we talk about people and life.

We were good friends.

I told him almost all of my secrets. Except of course, my feelings towards him. I won’t tell him that because I don’t want to. Mamaya hindi niya rin ako gusto. Mamaya hanggang friends lang gusto niya.

And I am okay with that. I am okay with that, even if it means setting my feelings aside.

Because I don’t want to lose that too. I don’t want to lose what we have. Kaya okay na ako dito.

Until everything became blurry because of his movements.

There are times he will hold my hand. He would never forget me if there’s an activity that requires a whole group to do. When my friends forget to remind me about a stroll we’ll do, he’ll be the one to remind them to call me.

And more. He does things more than what a friend could do.

On a Sunday, we planned the night before that we’ll attend a mass. Pumayag ako dito, kaya naman sumama ako.

Waiting together with Jimin, Seokjin, Namjoon and the two, Jungkook was the only one who wasn't here yet. Ang sabi, papunta na daw. I was standing on the side, watching the people go inside of the church when a sudden presence behind me almost made me fall because of the impact of his hold on my shoulders.

“Hi!” Maligayang bati niya sa akin. He smiled at me, and I smiled back at him too.

“Good morning.” Bati ko sa kanya.

His mixed scent of vanilla and lilies immediately ran through my nose. Manly, in a way that is not too much to smell. Freshly showered. He smells like… like love. “Good morning to you too.” He says.

“Tara na.” Sabi ni Seokjin at nauna nang pumasok sa loob.

Jungkook whispered before holding my hand to intertwine them and pull me closer to him as we went inside. “Kumain ka ng breakfast?” He asked me.

Tumango ako. “Mhm.” Tipid na sagot ko sa kanya.

“Okay, good.” He said.

In one row, doon kami nakaupo. I was sitting beside Yoongi and Jungkook. Jimin was beside Yoongi, and Seokjin was beside Hobi. Namjoon was on the end.

Hindi kami nagsalita pa nang magsimula na yung misa. It’s basic respect to the church. We listened attentively to the homily and the readings.

Jungkook steals glances from time to time. Tinitignan ako minu-minuto.

He offered me his hand when it was time for the Lord’s prayer. Electric waves ran through my body the moment I accepted his hand. It seems like there were signals and unsaid words from our bodies the moment we touched each other.

His eyes speak of something.

Something I can name, but can never tell because of the fear of risking.

The scene was like a painting with hues of azure, ivory, verdant, and yellow. I sat beside Jungkook who was on his phone, but never really letting me slip from his vision. Inilapit niya ako sa kanya.

The group talked about this week’s activities. Masyadong maraming projects na due this week. Some of it is written, but some of it is visuals made from boxes and recycled materials.

“Hey..” Jungkook whispered beside me, his fingers holding the hem of my shirt, telling me to look at him. It’s his way of diverting my attention from others to him. “Can we talk? Privately.” He said.

I was shocked to hear words from him. Words I’ve always wished to hear from him. Words that will definitely make my heart full because of the crush I have towards him. Words that will.. that will make me fall over the cliff too.

Words that will… make me brave and won’t have second decisions on risking… for him.

I smiled at him with a sparkle in my eyes. He smiled back at me, with the same sparkle.

Young love.

Young love, but I felt the intensity of it.

I know I gave him genuine love. And I know myself, I won’t be able to give the same intensity to my future lovers. Because I’ve never fallen in love with someone so deep like him.

We settled for something less than a relationship. No label, and so there are restrictions. It was, okay. For me.

Strumming on his guitar beside me, he requested me to sing softly. It’s almost night. Birthday ngayon ni Jimin so he celebrated it at a resort, letting us stay together until it was night.

On the way home, the loud and strong drops of rain made noise over the roof of the tricycle. Nababasa kami sa loob, ngunit hindi pa rin nawawala ang tawanan namin. I was wet already. All of us were.

He was holding my hand to protect me. Masyado kasing madulas ang mga upuan dahil basa ito. Bumaba kaming lahat malapit sa park.

Buti na lang dala ko ang payong ko. We were waiting on the side for another tricycle. We will part ways with our friends since nasa iisang daanan lang ang bahay namin kumpara sa mga kaibigan namin.

When we finally called a tricycle that will bring us to our respective houses, pinapasok niya muna ako sa loob. He told the driver our addresses. Una siyang hinatid.

He paid for my fare. Lumingon siya sa akin bago pumasok sa gate nila. “Message me when you get home.” Ngumiti at tumango ako sa kanya.

He waited for the tricycle to leave before going inside. Pagkauwi ko, I messaged him. He told me to take a shower and drink medicine because naulanan ako. Prevention is better than cure.

Jeon Jungkook:

Go shower. Mamaya magkasakit ka nyan.

Kim Taehyung:

Malamig nga tubig. Ayoko.

Jeon Jungkook:

Go. May gift ako sa’yo if you’ll shower. Drink your meds rin!!!!! Oki!!!!

That day ended with 3 words.

We never had arguments. Halos nagkakasundo kami sa lahat. I learned to love not only him but also the things he loved. His love for music, and everything.

I fell in love with him deeper as day passed by.

Color that ranges from black to gray filled my vision. Looking over my phone in the middle of the night makes me frustrated as he gives me short and cold messages.

The sudden transition from warm to cold made me hurt. The sudden view of colors of black and gray from yellow, and bright colors— made my heart clench.

I can’t breathe.

I can’t cry. I can’t move.

What happened?

Kim Taehyung:

Pst. Andyan ka ba?

Delivered.

Kim Taehyung:

Helloooooo are you okay?

Did something happened :(

You know you can talk to me right?

Jungkoooooook

Seen. Gulping the lump on my throat, I closed my eyes that night with my heart hurting, and my eyes filled with tears but never flowing. I slept with worry and sadness.

He didn’t message me back.

I stayed where I was.

Right where.. he left me.

I believe there’s a light in the darkness. There’s a light that will definitely make Jungkook come back to where I was. A light that will make me come to him.

A light that will bring back everything, a light that screams of hope.

Pero kahit anong tingin ko kung nasaan ako, kahit anong hanap ko dito, kahit anong gawin ko…. hindi na pala ito magpapakita.

I can’t move my feet as I watch the scene in front of me. I was glued to where I was watching the scene as it changed from him being on my side, beside me…. to having distance between us.

I was glued as I watched our own eyes change from having a sparkle as it finds each other… to him looking away as I look.

I stayed hurting — as I watched him move away from me.

I didn’t even move a bit even when I saw his hands… slowly remove its hold from mine.

While he moved, showing his back to me… I stayed where I was.

Hindi ko alam.

Hindi ko alam.

I stayed quiet, broken and hurt as I watched him smile at people. I watched him quietly as I questioned, how can he… move freely, knowing he left me without anything?

I stole glances from time to time, still hoping that there’s still the light.

Where there is despair, there is hope.

I still held on even when I knew there’s almost no chance of the light showing itself to me. I stayed there, hurting… but still hoping.

Hope.

That word hurts.

Wala atang makakapantay sa sakit na dala ng salitang ito.

There is only black now. My vision was only black as I watched him again from afar… hold hands with someone dear to him. As I watched him give her the same sparkle he showed me. It was black… as I saw him love someone else.

Tumulo ang mga luha ko.

It’s fucking funny.

It’s funny how he did it all first. He fell first, he held my hand and intertwined it together first. He risked it all first.

But why am I the one suffering all the consequences when he did everything first?

Somehow the idea of the one who fell first and the one who fell harder stayed on my mind. Na, kung sinong unang nahuhulog— they don’t fall in love with you, on what you really are.

They fall in love with ideas of you that they made in their minds.

And once they really get to know you, they fall out of love.

On the other hand, the second one who falls had the chance to get to know them first before they let themselves fall over the cliff. Then… they fall harder.

Covering my face, I sighed, letting the tears flow. He wasn’t even mine to begin with.

We weren’t even together.

Pero bakit… bakit ang sakit-sakit?

Over the years, naghahalo ang mga kulay ng itim at puti. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi na iisang kulay na nagrerepresenta ng pag-asa o kaya pagkatalo. Naghahalo ito. Kitang-kita ko ang paghahalo nito.

I made a face as Jimin laughed over my failed relationship, again. I rolled my eyes at him, natatawa na rin kasi hindi ko naman sineseryoso ang mga ito. He knows I’ll be turned off once I really get to message them and know them more.

He knows the things I go through, but he never really knows my pain.

That the reason why I can’t find someone to love genuinely once again, is because I don’t think I can find someone to love again.. that deeply.

I don’t want to tell him or anyone. I kept everything to myself.

All they know is I am okay.

And that is okay for me.

Sipping on my glass of water, wearing pajamas, I looked out my window and saw how the moon shines brightly over the dark—night sky. Napangiti ako. This has been my companion while being in the dark.

The moon that knows all my secrets. The moon that knows what’s going on in my mind. The moon that knows my pain and tears.

The moon that comforted me.

“Thank you,” Mahina kong bulong sa sarili ko habang nakatingin pa rin sa buwan. “Thank you.” Ulit ko, as my eyes brimmed with tears again.

Ilang taon na.

Ilang taon na, andito pa rin ako.

The club was on its peak. Sobrang lakas ng mga tugtugin mula sa mga speakers, and it was hurting my head as I watch the light transfer from different colors of red, purple, green and blue.

I was also tipsy from the drink I’ve been drinking the whole night.

Jimin was nowhere to be found. I was just sitting quietly on the sofa when I heard the cheers become loud again. It was dead earlier after he walked inside, but right now— nabuhay ulit ito.

I gulped, nervous and numb to the pain. Hindi ko na ito masyadong nararamdaman because I learned how to contain it. It makes my heart clench, but it’s not the same as it was years ago.

Because… I learned.

I learned, but I never moved.

Tumayo ako mula sa kinauupuan ko para magpaalam na. I want to go home already. I don’t want to stay.

But the moment I stood up from my seat was the exact moment I saw him meters away from me with someone in his arms. In his arms where I once stayed. I saw someone… in the arms of someone I genuinely love.

Napangiti ako ng mapait.

Natigilan ako doon ng ilang segundo kaya naman nagulat ako nang tumingin siya sa direksyon ko. I was stunned, making my feet stick to the ground. There was a sparkle around me as I looked at him. There was the same sparkle.. but the colors never came back as I looked into his eyes.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago umiwas ng tingin pagkatapos ng titigan ng ilang segundo.

Why can’t I move?

I closed my eyes tightly as I remembered how our eyes met earlier. I had the same sparkle. I gave him the same sparkle. Pero… pero wala na ito sa kanya habang tinititigan ako.

I made a fist with my hand as I felt the intense feeling run through my body. It hurts. It still hurts.

Bumalik ang tingin ko kung nasaan siya. And.. the sparkle showed. A tear from my eyes flowed down. The sparkle showed… but it wasn’t for me. It wasn’t for me anymore.

Nakita ko ito habang tinitignan niya ang katabi niya nang nakangiti.

I took a step back, and I found myself outside the club, broken and numb. Ni hindi man lang ako nakapagpaalam sa mga kaibigan ko. Hindi ako umiyak nang tuluyan. Iisang luha lang ang tumulo mula sa mga mata ko.

I looked above, and saw the moon at its brightest. Then, I felt drops of rain on my skin. Ngumiti ako ng mapait habang tuluyang nababasa mula sa ulan. Tinignan ko ang buwan at pinanood itong mawala mula sa paningin ko.

The cloud covered the only light I had in the darkness. It covered the only one who has always been with me in the darkness. The light I had while loving someone in the dark.. was gone.

Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko, bago pinilit ang sarili na gumalaw mula sa kinatatayuan. My heart aches with the thought of me losing from the consuming battle I had for ages.

I bit the inside of my cheeks as I called for a taxi that will bring me home.

Closing my eyes, I smiled to myself with the words that filled my mind.

You have always been…. the one…. for me.

I wasn’t… to you.

End.