Jun Moon
@forssmw
Jun stared at his eyes, long and deep, that Eight felt that familiar sensation again. He already acknowledged the strange pull that the other man had on him for the past months that they've been entertaining each other. Jun's gaze would always hold his until Eight would break it. But tonight Eight didn't falter, so Jun had to look away.
Chuckling a little to himself his eyes darted back to the pearl in the sky, the chuckle faded replaced by a sad smile.
"The moon doesn't have a light of its own." He muttered, voice quiet then he looked at Eight. "It only mirrors the brightness it receives from the sun."
The stylist's heart sank upon hearing it even though he already knew that fact. It was no secret that the moon wasn't capable of producing its own light but the implication that Jun needed other's light or happiness first in order for him to shine or to be happy was just too heartbreaking for him. Jun loved too much but he couldn't even give a twinge of that love to himself.
"That's true…" Eight answered barely a whisper, he glanced at the moon then stared back at Jun as he continued "But the moon needed darkness in order for it to shine."
Maybe it was just the dim light but Eight could see how Jun's eyes wavered as his gaze darted to something else that was not Eight. Like the moon hiding behind the layers of clouds once some stranger would shout 'look at the moon!' but before one could even look up it was already covered by a fluff of cotton.
Jun slowly backed away afraid to be seen. And Eight stayed where he was, not wanting to let him feel like he was being cornered.
The taller chuckled inwardly as he asked,
"Bakit parang ang dami mong alam tungkol sa buwan?"
His voice was not angry nor accusing, it's just wondering so Eight slowly shook his head.
"I don't." He simply said and Jun waited for him to continue. "I wanted to believe that I know a lot about the moon since its presence is so big but the fact is, I don't." He paused, looking at the man who was just staring at him as he talked. "I know so little about the moon that it remains an enigma to me. I wanted so badly to understand it but it has this inconceivable mystery that I want to unlock but I can't." Eight paused to breathe.
"I can't because everytime I try, it hides. And when it's not, it's full, bright and beautiful like it's perfect when I know it's not."
Each word that Eight uttered pierced through Jun's chest slowly breaking the facade that he built for so long. Eight's eyes were questioning but not demanding and Jun felt bad he really did, but still he kept the act. He ran his fingers through his hair and asked.
"Are we still talking about the celestial body?"
Eight heaved a sigh, his lips slightly trembled but he bit on it to make steady. After a long silence, the stylist answered.
"I'm talking about my moon."
And that's how Jun's mask shattered as his breathing hitched. His knees gave up that he had to sit on the couch to support himself. No words came out of his mouth so Eight spoke again.
"Ever since I met you I started to gravitate towards you." He said quietly, still nailed on the same spot. "From then on I started to believe that you are the moon and I, the sea."
"You create these tides of emotions that I can't control so I let it. Let it flow, let it rush with your existence that I can't even grasp and understand. And yet that just made me want to know you more."
Eight slowly walked towards Jun whose tongue was still tied. He slowly sat near Jun's feet and gently gathered his hands on his and rested it on his knees.
"I am not going to force you to open yourself to me because we promised that we will walk at our own pace…"
"Eight…"
"But Jun, this is not for me. It's for you. You have to open yourself because you are bottling everything and it's painful to watch."
Jun's eyes wavered again as he bit his lips so hard Eight knew it hurt. He gave his hand a gentle squeeze.
"I see you just like how you see me, moon."
Jun didn't have any idea that those words could have a big impact until it was said to him directly. Especially when those words came from the person of his affection.
"The only difference is that I avoid the spotlight because I feel irrelevant but you…"
The other man braced himself for the words that would surely slap him again.
"You are relevant but you want to stay irrelevant. You don't want people to see inside you, so you distract them with your brightness. You always show them that you are strong enough and you are always fine even if you aren't. And that's unfair."
"Because if the celestial body as big as the moon could allow itself to show its different versions everyday including its dark sides then so could you. You can, Jun."
Jun closed his eyes because he could feel it slowly burning. Eight's words echoed through his brain down to his chest that he could feel himself slipping. But Eight was there holding his hand, steadying him so he held on to it. Then after three careful breaths he finally found his voice.
"It's…the ugly parts of me that I refuse to show. Hindi ko alam, bab. I just don't want people to look at me differently again… so Iㅡ"
Jun felt his chest throbbed that he couldn't speak again, Eight's own heart was throbbing too but still he did his best to calm Jun. Allowing Jun to breathe for a moment.
"Your ugly parts are your imperfections, it's what makes you human." He said quietly as his thumb drew soft circles at the back of Jun's hands. "Don't think about other people, don't think about us. Just think about you. Just you."
Jun looked at him with the saddest eyes that Eight had never seen before and even though it hurt the stylist to see it, he was just happy that Jun was finally allowing himself to feel this particular emotion.
"It's really dark…"
And Eight just gave him a small smile as he answered "Darkness makes you shine the brightest, my moon. Embrace it."
Jun stared at him long and then he pulled his head back to stare at the ceiling breathing hard to compose himself. He looked down to Eight again who was just patiently waiting for him.
"Kailangan ba talaga?..." His eyes were pleading, still unsure and Eight understood. And he won't be tired of giving the taller the assurance. He raised his other hand to caress the side of Jun's cheeks which he automatically leaned to.
"Have you ever talked to anyone about this before? I'm guessing no, am I right?" He asked and Jun, although hesitant, nodded.
"Then you cannot keep running away from it." He answered and then added.
"You know the saying that the moon was that friend that listens to you when no one would? But tonight I'll be that friend who will listen to the moon this time."
And that somehow made Jun laugh, the sound echoing through the walls as his eyes sparkled despite the growing sadness behind it. Then he interlaced their fingers which made Eight's heart skip a beat as he whispered. "Thank you, my friend with future endeavors."
Eight couldn't help but cackle which gave Jun the time to prepare himself, the stylist just gently jerked their joined hands as he said. "Whenever you are ready."
Jun took a deep breath and then he hooked his eyes on their hands to keep his focus. And then he started speaking.
"At the age of five I started to develop the ability to finally comprehend my surroundings. I think that was the earliest age that my memory could go far back. Iyon ang unang beses na namulat ako sa kung anong meron at…wala ako."
Eight already knew what he meant from the start and still he didn't interrupt; he allowed Jun to pour out all his unsaid thoughts.
"Iyon yung edad kung saan alam kong may lola ako, si Lola Gloria." The way he said her name was so calming, Eight could feel the comfort that she brought in him just by the way he uttered her name.
"Yun din yung edad kung saan naalala kong meron akong…Tita Susan at Tito…Nilo." The newest name came out like a whisper and still Eight just listened. And then Jun suddenly chuckled. "At ang kambal nila na siyang naging kasama ko sa bawat oras."
Then his smile slowly turned small.
"And I think that was also the age when I started wondering where my parents were."
Eight's brow furrowed, Jun probably saw it at the corner of his eyes because he shook his head as if he was able to read the question inside his head. "Nope, hindi pa ako natutong magtanong noon. So I didn't ask."
"At the age of six noong nasa pre-school na ako ay doon na mas lalong dumami yung mga tanong sa utak ko."
"Bakit yung ibang mga bata may tinatawag na…" He bit his lower lip. "Mama, papa at iba pa. Samantalang ako lola, Tita at Tito lang meron ako." Jun then chuckled like he just heard a funny joke. "Bakit yung kambal tawag sa tita at tito ko ay mama at papa?"
He shook his head while Eight tried to keep his best not to get affected by six years old Jun's innocence. But it still broke his heart.
"Pareho lang naman kami na hinahatid sundo sa school pero bakit magka-iba kami ng tawag?"
"And again, I didn't ask."
"At the age of eight…unti unti ko ng naiintindihan. Sa tuwing naglalaro kami sa labas ng mga kaibigan ko at sila ay sinusundo ng mga kanya kanya nilang nanay ngunit yung sumusundo sakin ay si Tita Susan kasama ang kambal at doon naisip kong… baka wala lang talagang pakialam yung nanay ko sakin." Jun uttered without bitterness in his voice and Eight didn't say anything because they both knew that it was a child's feeling and it was valid no matter how harsh it was. "Kaya ni minsan hindi din ako nagtanong ng tungkol sa kanya."
But both of them felt that sharp stab in the chest at the remembrance of what happened in the Jeon's house before they left. The revelation that even Jun didn't expect he would say out loud today.
"At the age of ten when I was trying to learn how to ride a bike with the help of my tito Nilo instead of my own father, I started to believe what the other kids used to tease me about. Na iniwan ako ng tatay ko. And when I fell off the bike and hurt myself, I didn't cry. Inisip ko na lang na pag gumaling ako sa pagbisekleta ay baka bumalik siya."
Eight bit his lip so hard it probably bled, this was the part that he didn't know. Where was Jun's father?
"At the age of 12, noong umakyat ng stage si Lola Gloria para abutin yung diploma ko tinanggap ko na na siya lang talaga ang pamilyang meron ako."
"At the age of 13, I started shying away from the affection that Tita Susan and Tita Nilo were showing. Sa isip ko noon ay hindi ko naman sila kaano-ano pero bakit ganun na lang sila mag-alaga sakin. Kaya kahit paano ay hinahayaan ko pa din lalo na at malapit pa din naman ako sa kambal, na sadyang makukulit din."
Eight always noticed that the twins were the refreshing part of his past, he always had that small smile on his lips every time they were mentioned. And then Jun took a deep breath, so deep Eight braced himself by holding tightly into his hand.
"Take your time, breathe." He whispered to Jun who closed his eyes for a moment. Then after three minutes he finally spoke again.
"At the age of 14…on my 14th birthday."
His voice was turning to sound weak and Eight closed his eyes because he already knew what was coming.
"After my lola kissed me good night and wished me a happy birthday, noong akala niyang tulog na ako ay di niya namalayan na naririnig ko siyang umiiyak sa labas…"
"Jun…" Eight wasn't able to stop himself anymore, he looked up at Jun who was still trying to fight back his tears and Eight wanted to get mad at him for that but still he let him. Jun just squeezed his hand and he continued the story.
"I went out to check on her and I found her on the couch asleep. She cried herself to sleep as she hugged this…" Jun paused, his chest rising and falling before he found his voice again. "Memorial picture of a woman I've never seen before. And when I looked at the back of the frame written was her name…Janett Moon…"
Eight didn't really cry on most occasions but tonight for the first time Jun saw him cry because of his own mother. Jun wiped the tears away using his thumb as he added. "Written underneath it was the year she was born and…my birthdate."
Eight stopped the whimper because it's embarrassing, especially that Jun was still doing his best to compose himself even though he was already having a hard time. The rim of his eyes were starting to bleed red and his hands were shaking. Still Eight did his best to comfort and encourage him to let go but Jun was obviously not done yet.
"At the age of 15, I started pushing people away. Nagpanggap akong hindi ko sila kailangan, I did my best to busy myself with school. And I also started to question their intentions. Bakit nila ito ginagawa? Every time Tita Susan and Tito Nilo would come by kahit anong gawin nila, I only see pity in their eyes. And I hated pity."
"But still they never stopped, nagpapadala pa din ng mga paborito kong ulam. Kinakamusta at inasikaso pa rin ako araw-araw, they never got tired of me. And I knew pushing them away won't do anything. So I started to mask myself, nag-iba na yung pakikitungo ko sa kanila. I wasn't genuine anymore and a bit ungrateful. I started to take them for granted." Jun's voice was filled with regret and dread.
"And all it took was one accident, an unfortunate accident for me to realize how much of an ungrateful bastard I was." This time Jun shook with anger that Eight had to use strength to calm him down. He held Jun by his arms as he hushed him down, helping him to breathe.
"At the age of 16, life took the person who stood as my parent for the last 16 years. It was the second time that I hated the idea of death." Jun started and eight took note of the word 'second' though unfortunate, it gave him a relief that Jun acknowledged his first loss. But the way he was seething, Eight knew that the second one hit more.
"Last year in high school may field trip kami sa Siingapore. It was also the time na I joined wall climbing as a sport. And Tito Nilo knew that it was one of the things na I'm proud of doing. And in on the same day of our field trip in Singapore was my first competition too . I would be representing the school. And tito Nilo was supposed to come with us kasi gusto niya daw ako makita maglaro. And no matter how I acted nonchalant about it, I was still obviously happy and excited."
"But then on the day of our flight noong nasa airport na kami ay biglang nagka allergic reaction si Wons. Kinailangan niya isugod sa ospital and both him and tito Nilo missed their flight. Syempre naintindihan ko naman kasi emergency but still there was that disappointment and the thought na if only I have a father of my own na kaya din akong piliin, I wouldn't feel that way."
"It was stupid and selfish thought. Sarili ko lang talaga yung iniisip ko noong oras na yun." Jun started to blame himself in frustration. And Eight understood why. Besides, he was a teenager and it was at that age that their emotional turmoil was at its peak that they forgot to be logical.
"Never did I know na kinabukasan, araw din ng competition, after iuwi si One galing sa ospital ay sinubukan pa ulit ni tito Nilo na lumipad papuntang Singapore, but then on the way to airport sa sobrang pagmamadali niya, he…" Jun let out a shaky breath.
"He crashed into the sidewalk." Eight felt his surroundings darkened. It was too cruel of life to take a father from his children where they were away and sick.
"Wala kaming kaalaam alam sa Singapore noon, masaya pa ako noon kasi I placed 2nd in wall climbing. Pero noong nakatanggap kami ng tawag ay bigla ko na lang binitawan yung medalya ko. The next thing I know nasa airport na kami at iyak lang ng iyak lang si Seok. Hindi ko alam kung anong iniisip ko noong oras na yun. But I definitely remember taking what I previously said that I don't need anyone else to be my father as long as Tito Nilo would be safe. The whole plane ride I was just negotiating with God. Pero noong dumating kami ng pinas at ng ospital huli na ang lahat."
Eight's heart wrenched at the sight of Jun's tearless yet bloodshot eyes. He was in so much pain that the years of masking disabled his ability to properly release his emotions.
"At the age of 17, noong sinubukang kong mapalapit ulit sa mga Jeon. Maybe it was also because of the guilt but somehow I just wanted to give back to all of Tito Nilo's effort. Mas naging malapit ako sa kambal at lalong lalo na kay Tita Susan. And that time, I was more grateful and genuine." Eight was able to breathe relieved to finally see a light in the darkness until Jun spoke again with so much gloom on his face.
"At the age of 21 when I finally completed my bachelor's degree and my Lola Gloria proudly received my diploma after years of single handedly working on her small business to provide for my studies. And that night we both went to sleep unbeknown to us that it would be our last time together."
Jun paused as he squeezed his eyes shut. Eight already stood from the floor and took the space beside Jun as he rubbed his back comfortingly whilst sobbing too.
"Nagising ako kinabukasan ready for adulthood only to wake up as a complete orphan. Life took the only blood related person I had, my only family, m-my comfort."
Jun started stuttering as he choked on his voice, it was getting harder for him to breathe as his chest tightened. Eight just wrapped an arm around him, letting him know that he was there. And then after a few minutes Jun continued.
"Sabi ng doctor it was a cardiac arrest. She was still so young to be gone so early. And she did when we were both asleep."
"After that incident, sleeping at night became my greatest enemy. It was a series of nightmares. Every time I close my eyes I just see people dying. My people…"
Eight's heart felt like it dropped, stepped on and crushed to a million pieces. His mind went back to the time that Jun was sick and would stir in his sleep because of his nightmares.
"And from then on, I got scared of sleeping during the night… I was scared of seeing the picture of my lola, tito and even my own mother being taken away from me over and over again."
"oh Jun…until today?" Eight couldn't help but ask, worry evident in his voice but he was relieved when Jun shook his head. "I don't get the nightmares anymore, minsan na lang pag sobrang stress ako and well you probably saw it, when I am sick. But there was still the fear of sleeping so I lived with sleeping pills." Eight's heart sank, he remembered seeing a bottle of melatonin in Jun's room too but he didn't think it was that bad. Jun saw the concern in his eyes that he caressed the side of his face comfortingly.
"Lola's death was the last straw, I promised that I would not allow another one to be taken from me, I protected what's left."
"I helped the twins to look after Tita Susan hence tuluyan na akong nakipamilya sa kanila. Nasa LA si seok noon at busy naman si One sa graduate studies, kaya ako palagi ang kasama ni Tita Susan."
"At noong sabay nabuntis ang kambal, I took it as an opportunity to give back to their family lalo na kay tito na alam kung gagawin lahat ng ginawa ko."
And then he smiled, a big smile that showed what happiness was. "At noong dumating ang mga bubwit ay pakiramdam ko ay maayos na ulit ang buhay ko. Dahil din sa kanila minsan nakakatulog ako ng mahimbing sa gabi. The kids brought peace."
Then he sighed, "Pero noong dumating yung dalawang ama ay nagkahalo halo na naman ang aking mga emosyon."
Eight's brows knitted, "What do you mean?"
Jun gave him an apologetic look as he squeezed his hand. "The fear that my people were being taken away from me came back again. And I know…I know, bab." He said when Eight was about to speak.
"It's wrong but it was only my initial reaction."
Eight interlaced their fingers again as he shook his head. "It was the trauma, Jun."
And Jun only looked at him sadly. " I know. But I made a way to deal with it, I knew that I would be okay as long as the twins and the kids would be cared for, loved and protected." Jun said, seemingly proud.
Eight wanted to be proud too but there was this underlying feeling that Jun was acting with trauma response and that he wasn't still able to process his grief. He was deep in thoughts that he didn't notice Jun looking at him. Jun squeezed his hand.
"And then those two grew on me. The next thing I knew the family was getting bigger…" he looked at Eight with a soft gaze,
"Then came you, babi." His other hand reached to cup the side of Eight's face.
"I knew then that I will protect you too." He softly whispered to Eight and no matter how sweet and chivalrous it sounded the stylist's heart still wrenched. Because after everything that happened Jun was still thinking of everyone but himself and so he held Jun's hand on his face and asked.
"Have you ever cried, my moon?"