Danilo Jeon
ㅡ excuse the grammatical errors, no time to check
@forssmw
"Po?" Jun blinked several times like he heard wrong. It wasn't new to him to receive gifts from the old couple. From material things to non-material things, the Jeons were always so generous to him. But it was the first time that Jun received something from someone who was already gone from the world.
A gift from his Tito Nilo who has been gone for almost fifteen years now. Suddenly the weight of the album on his hand became heavier as well as the guilt in his heart. Though he quickly shook his head to stop himself from spiraling down, remembering Eight's words as he breathed. Mama Susan who noticed his shallow breathing gestured for him to take the seat across from her.
Jun put down the album on the table first and pulled out the chair, the woman did the same. And when he stared down on the album again he finally noticed the small details about it. It's a leather hardbound designed like a journal, in its front cover was a golden crescent moon engraved at the bottom right corner and it's spine was Jun's birth name in beautiful gold cursive. There was obvious damage due to years of being kept but no one would ever think that the thing was almost the same age as Jun.
"Buksan mo." Mama Susan said after a moment. Jun looked at her to make sure that he could and the lady just smiled and nodded. Jun's hands gently touched the cover, taking his time until he finally flipped to the first page. And greeted him with a photo of himself barely three months old.
If Jun was going to be honest, he wouldn't even recognize that it was him if it was not for the fact that the photo album was named after him. His newborn pictures were barely unrecognizable as him unless he would stare at his every little feature that could tell that it was him. He didn't notice the smile that was drawing from his lips as he flipped into the next page. But Mama Susan was already mirroring his smile as he watched him.
A few more pages of baby Jun until he flipped to a new set of photos. His heart almost jumped out of his chest when he saw his Lola Gloria, Tito Nilo and Mama Susan carrying him on different occasions. He bit his lip as he looked at how young his Lola Gloria was used to be. Also how baby Jun looked so small at the arms of the man who stood as his father. And Jun's eyes started to well with tearsㅡthe feeling was still new to himㅡwhen his eyes landed of Mama Susan who was carrying him above his huge baby bump.
And when he looked up to the woman her eyes were already misted with her own tears though she sniffed it away as she smiled. Jun flipped through the pages and more photos of him and Mama Susan together as he got bigger, Mama Susan's belly also got bigger. His heart warmed upon seeing how the photos ranged randomly, from bed, to bathroom, to living room with toys, to outdoor settings and even one that was taken inside a doctor's clinic where Mama Susan was doing her last prenatal check up, baby Jun was sitting by her side.
And Jun let the tears fall because Eight was right. Mama Susan was his mother.
She may not have birthed him but she was the one who carried him in his firsts in the world. And then he chuckled when the next picture shown was him and Mama Susan with the newborn twins, One and Kiyeo. Jun never thought that he would be hit by these emotions. He was used to seeing childhood photographs of himself and the twins together since their parents were really fond of stacking photo albums.
When Jun thought that he would see more of the twins he was wrong. The next pages started to document the highlight of his life as he aged. His heart twisted a little when he recognized his Tito Nilo's handwriting at the top corner of the page. "1 year old Jun." And the photos would start on a simple birthday celebration to the most random ones that made up his year.
Jun flipped through the pages and watched himself grow, his heart slowly sank when he reached the age fifteen. The photos were obviously less than the previous years and he looked sad, angry and ungrateful. That was the year that he started pushing them away and when he touched the page at the age of sixteen he stopped as his hands started to tremble.
But Mama Susan reached for his hand, calming him down. Jun took a deep breath as he wiped his tears away only to break down again when he saw the photo of him in Singapore with his medal from the Wall Climbing competition. His tears dropped to the plastic cover of the album page and the next thing he knew Mama Susan was behind him wrapping her arms around his shoulder letting him cry while whispering words of comfort and assurances that none of it was his fault.
And Jun cried and cried and Mama Susan did too because she knew that all her children, especially Jun were left heartbroken at the sudden death of his husband. And during that time Jun didn't even shed a single tear as he was busy blaming himself and wallowing in guilt.
After a few moments that they both calmed down, Jun was ready to close the album but Mama Susan stopped him so Jun flipped through the next page and to his surprise his growth continued. When he thought that it would stop the moment his tito Nilo died he was wrong because his Mama Susan continued it. The photos became less in numbers but still it never skipped a year. Every significant event of his life was documented and his favorite ones were the ones that the kids were finally born.
Jun looked the happiest when he was with the kids but when he came to the latest page his heart somersaulted at a candid picture of him and Eight together inside the house that happened only a month ago. His face blushed profusely that he was unable to meet the eyes of the woman beside him.
But when he heard her laugh and said, "Akala mo talaga hindi ko alam?"
With a look that was more than teasing Jun couldn't help but feel loved.
The way the photos were taken and placed inside the album spoke with so much care. Sure, he had a fair amount of photos at home but this particular photo album was made to make him feel special. A simple way to tell him that he always had a place in their lives when all this time he thought he didn't belong. It's like watching a movie of his life in still pictures. He was happy just seeing the different people who were there for him as he grew up.
But still there was that question he had since he was a child, questions that he never asked but answered through unintentional circumstances. Jun never asked where his birth mother was but he always wondered what she was like. So when he looked up at Mama Susan he gathered all the courage he had stored since he was five years old and asked "Meron po ba kayong litrato ni…"
Mama Susan almost stopped breathing as seconds passed by until Jun completed the question. "...Mama Jane."
It took her a moment to take it in. It was the first time that he heard her friend's name from the lips of her own child. It was a question he never thought she would hear in her life but she was happy that she waited patiently for that day to come.
Tears fell from her eyes as she started opening the other photo albums on top of the table. She opened a wedding photo of her and his late husband and she pointed to the woman beside her. "Ito ang Mama Jane mo."
Jun slowly pulled the album closer to him and there he saw the woman version of him in her twenties, young, fresh and happy. She looked like the woman in the memorial photo that his Lola Gloria was hugging but much more alive, full of hope and fire in her eyes.
She felt Mama Susan's gentle hands on his face, gently lifting his chin as she said. "Magkamukhang magkamukha kayo." And Jun didn't need to be told because as he flipped through the album Jun could see his own likeness to his mother.
Mama Susan held his hand, as she looked at him in the eyes. "Nais mo bang marinig ang buong kwento kung paano kami nagkakilala at paano ka napunta sa amin?"
Jun felt his world stop, there was a part that was convinced that he didn't want to know what happened before anymore and just live in the present but then again he was reminded by what Eight said. He needed to process his grief and to do that he should know the whole truth. Taking another look at his birth mother's photo and the woman who stood as his mother Jun nodded..
And Mama Susan started her story from their college days. She told the story with the same emotions like it just happened yesterday. She talked about everything their friendship went through during their University days and Jun could feel the passion of their youth. And then when the story proceeded to the later part where they got married and her mother ventured to a foreign country that's where it started to get heavy.
Mama Susan did not leave any detail out no matter how painful it was. And Jun was hit by different waves of emotions, mostly anger towards the person who impregnated his mother. Jun refused to call him father again and regretted every single time that he willed him to come. He was nothing more than just a mere sperm donor. He didn't even shed a tear about him because he already anticipated it.
But when the course of the story started to turn towards his mother's pregnancy journey, that's where the waterworks were activated. Jun's heart wrenched thinking how much her mother suffered carrying him and the guilt of lying to the people around her caused by fear. He understood the anger and the pain exchanged when the truth was finally out causing the fall out of their friendship.
And before they reached the most critical part, Mama Susan paused and reached for the box that sat at the table and handed it to Jun. He slowly opened it and inside was another set of photos. And when he pulled out one, he couldn't physically feel himself anymore as he saw his pregnant mother in a colored image.
"Sa likod ng mga litrato na to ay ang kanyang mga liham na nagsasaad ang kanyang mga saloobin noong pinagbubuntis ka niya." Mama Susan spooke through sniffs, she smiled at him. "Siya'y masayang naghahanda ng iyong pagdating."
And that broke Jun because his mother, despite everything, loved him unconditionally. Jun pulled out one photograph after another, reading the letters behind it despite his vision getting blurry due to the tears that kept pouring. And when he held the last photo and looked up to Mama Susan's sombered eyes Jun knew what was coming.
And even if he did his best to brace himself for it he still cried like a child when Mama Susan told him of her mother's last moments. Mama Susan had no choice but to engulf his huge frame in a hug because of his uncontrollable cries. Mama Susan allowed him to be small just like how Eight did.
A few moments later after they both calmed down Mama Susan started speaking again. "Noong tuluyang namaalam ang iyong ina, ay nagpatuloy pa din kaming mamuhay ng iyong Tito Nilo sa Manila ngunit hindi namin makakaila yung sakit ng kanyang pagkawala. Lalo na ang iyong tito Nilo na araw-araw na nagsisisi dahil sa mga huling sinabi nito."
"Walang araw na hindi niya sinisisi ang kanyang sarili sa mga bagay na hindi niya naman kontrolado. Naniniwala siya na kasalanan niya ang nangyari…"
Jun shook his head because that's not true. They may have an indifference before the incident but none of it was in his control.
"At pinakapinagsisihan niya ay yung katotohonanang hindi siya nakahingi ng tawad bago lumisan ang aming kaibigan."
Guilt. Jun was well versed towards it.
"Kaya matapos ang tatlong bwan ng iyong pagsilang ay napagdesisyonan naming manirahan sa Laguna. Dito sa bahay na ito."
"Pareho naming gusto na maging parte ng buhay mo at punan ang iniwan ng iyong ina kasi alam namin na iyon din ang gugustuhin niya. At lalo na ang iyong tito Danilo na naghahangad na balang araw ay sana makahingi siya ng tawad sa iyo…ngunit hindi niya pa rin nagawa."
Mama Susan's voice was quiet and Jun wanted to hit himself in the head because why was the person he wanted forgiveness to also wanted to ask forgiveness from him.
Why were they all full of regrets and guilt when they were just trying to live, love and feel loved?
It was cruel. The world's too cruel.
So Jun answered. "Wala naman po siyang kasalanan, sobra sobra pa nga po ang lahat ng ginawa niya kahit na di niya naman kinailangan gawin…"
"Jun…"
Jun slowly shook his head. "Totoo po iyon kasi alam ko yung pakiramdam. Kahit papano ay naging si Tito din naman ako sa mga anak ng kambal, at alam kong lahat ng ginawa ko ay para lang sa ikakabuti nila at mga nangyari at kasalanan ng kahapon ay hindi na kailangang hingan ng tawad."
Jun hold his Mama Susan's hand. "Wala po kayong kasalanan…wala pong kasalanan si tito lahat po ng yun ay gawa lamang ng tadhana."
And Mama Susan's tears fell more, she answered, "Kung ganoon ay baka pwede mo na rin palayain ang iyong sarili sa mga bagay na sinisisi mo sa sarili mo?"
Jun stared at him , Mama Susan held his face. "Kailanman ay hindi mo naging kasalanan ang pagkawala ng iyong Mama Jane, Tito Nilo at Lola Gloria. Kaya tama na anak, patawarin mo na ang sarili mo."
Jun felt like a big chunk of thorns were pulled out from his chest when Mama Susan said those words. He couldn't even describe how his heart expanded with relief as he finally cried the last of his tears.
Then Mama Susan touched the photo album that came from his Tito Nilo, she smiled at him. "Noong pumasok na kami sa buhay mo at naalala ng papa mo kung gaano dinokumento ng ina mo ang kanyang pagbubuntis ay naisipan niyang gawan ka ng sarili mong photo album."
She smiled fondly as she relished the memory. "Pinagawa pa namin ito sa isang sikat na manggagawa sa Manila. At mga litratong nandito lalo na ng ika'y maliit pa lamang ay kanyang mga sariling kuha, siguro ay naalala mo pa ito yung dala dala niyang munting camera?"
And Jun fondly because he could, he remembered the old camera that hung in his tito Nilo's neck always snapping at him and the twins. He always wondered what it was for but now he knows.
"At noong wala na siya para gumawa nito ay pinagpatuloy ko pa rin." Mama Susan pink hue on her wrinkly cheeks.
"Kaya po ba alagang alaga niyo pa rin ang inyo digi cam? Na kahit may cellphone naman kayo ay yun pa din ang gamit ninyo?"
Mama Susan laughed loudly and Jun loved the sound of it. It was filled with wisdom, of grief that she learned to live and love.
@kireujam